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Here is a selection of old English and British jokes:
A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. «What’s the matter with me?» he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, «You’re not eating properly.»
«Not now kid!»
A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:
«Waiter! Waiter! There’s a fly in my soup!»
«Please don’t speak so loudly, sir,» said the waiter, «or everyone will want one.»
What is the longest word in the English language?
«Smiles». Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!
There are 5 birds in a tree. A hunter shoots 2 of them dead. How many birds are left?
2 birds. The other 3 fly away!
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: «woman without her man is nothing». The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: «Woman, without her man, is nothing.»
The women wrote: «Woman! Without her, man is nothing.»
The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, «What are you doing?» «There,» said the wife, «didn’t I tell you he was stupid?»
What’s the definition of a pessimist? A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
Mark called in to see his friend Angus (a Scotman) to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked «You’re decorating, I see.» to which Angus replied «No. I’m moving house.»
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, «SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!»
A man was injected with a deadly poison, but, it did not kill him. Why?
He was already dead!
A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said
«In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!»
The Scotsman replied » Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!»
1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself!
Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife,» Hurry up or we’ll be late.»
«Oh, be quiet,» replied his wife. «Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?»
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called»Tickets, please!» and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots’ ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen’s stall and called «Ticket, Please!» When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares!
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,» may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.» The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: » no thanks, I’ll just wait till the Police get here!»
Why do cows have horns? Because their horns don’t work!
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: ‘The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.’
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ‘The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.’
And the Scotsman was thinking: ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .
What kind of ears does an engine have? Engineers
Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. «What’s wrong, Eric?» Jim asked. «Well didn’t you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?» said Eric. «Ah, praise God!» he replied with relief. «I thought I’d gone deaf!»
How do you count a herd of cattle?
With a cowculator.
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. «Wonderful,» says the mother, «What part is it?» The boy says «I play the part of the Scottish husband!» The mother scowls and says: «Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.»
An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.
He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.
«What do you think you’re laughing at,» he cried, «you’re next.»
An Englishman, roused by a Scot’s scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman. «Man,» scoffed the Scot, «hiv ye nae ambeetion (Have you no ambition)?»
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes’ wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. «What d’ya want me to do, Doctor?» «Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!» the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
«Mike, you’re the proud father of a fine strapping boy.» «Saints be praised, I…» Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, «Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike.» Soon the doctor delivers the next child. «You’ve a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter.»
«Thanks be to…»
Again the Doctor cuts in, «Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!» Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike’s inspection.
«Doctor,» asks Mike, «Do you think it’s the light that’s attracting them?»
At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, «I’ll give £150!»
A customer ordered some coffee in a cafe. The waitress arrived with the coffee and placed it on the table. After a few moments, the customer called for the waitress «Waitress,» he said, «there’s dirt in my coffee!». «That’s not surprising, sir, replied the waitress, «It was ground only half an hour ago.»
Two Americans are talking. One asks: «What’s the difference between capitalism and communism?»
«That’s easy» says the other one. «In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!»
An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, «The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free». Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,»..yeah. That’s quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free.» Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says «Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag»
The English says «WOW! Did that happen to you?» and the Irishman replies «No, but it happened to my sister.»
What’s green and look’s like a bucket?
— — — — — — A green bucket.