Next week, first lady Melania Trump is going to Africa on a humanitarian visit. When she gets there, people will be like, «How can WE help YOU?»
Africa will be Melania’s first big solo trip as first lady. In response Donald was like, «I love Africa. It’s my favorite song by Toto.»
Canadians are now eligible to compete on «Survivor.» Which will be great until they all politely vote themselves off.
Alaska Airlines might start giving out virtual reality headsets to first-class passengers. Meanwhile, if you’re in coach, they just duct tape an in-flight magazine to your forehead.
IHOP is now making their own beer. It’s perfect for people who think Waffle House beer is just a little too trashy.
Dunkin’ Donuts is changing their name to just Dunkin’. This has some loyal customers nervous about what else is changing about the stores. So we thought we’d put people’s minds at ease and let you know all the things that are not changing at Dunkin’. For instance, they’ll keep making jelly sticks, even though no one has ordered one since 1997.
Next up, when you’re hung over, there will always be a dad in front of you who lets his kid slowly pick out a dozen doughnuts.
And finally, the condiment caddy will continue to be stocked with zero sugar, zero Splenda, and 5,000 packets of Equal. New name. Same old Dunkin’.
You can now take at-home STD tests. Healthcare experts say it’s perfect for anyone who likes to panic in the comfort of their own home.
A new study found that hand dryers in bathrooms spread more germs than paper towels. And the makers of hand dryers said, «But don’t forget, we also don’t dry your hands.»
Everybody is still talking about the big Kavanaugh-Blasey Ford hearing yesterday. One assumes. I don’t know. I actually taped this monologue yesterday, which means I can’t tell you what happened regarding Brett Kavanaugh — which, based on his drinking, seems to be something I have in common with Brett Kavanaugh.
There’s one thing that unites us: None of us can figure out how our computers work, not even Robert Mueller, who was spotted this week at the Apple Genius Bar. [Imitating Mueller] «Let’s just say, hypothetically, someone lost a very, very important file. It’s called ivankaconfession.pdf. I know it’s here somewhere. Also, can you remove Russian spyware from a person’s skull?»
And you’ll notice that Mueller’s wife is next to him, so this might not be Russia-related at all. [Imitating Mueller’s wife] «Oh, so you can pull off the biggest investigation in decades, but you can’t get my iPhoto to stop going into slide-show mode?»