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Andy told me he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him, «What was the name of his other leg?»
Right and Wrong
Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. «All right children, let’s take an example,» Mrs Cameron said. «If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?» Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, «You’d be his wife.»
- Britain has invented a new missile. It’s called the civil servant — it doesn’t work and it can’t be fired.
- What do you call an Englishman with an IQ of 50? Colonel, sir.
- They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.
- An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.’Would you like one with a plug?’ asked the assistant. ‘Don’t tell me they’ve gone electric,’ said the Englishman.
Funny English Jokes from Yorkshire
- Stanley decided to lookup his friend Alf, who was a tight-fisted Yorkshireman. He found Alf at his bungalow in Huddersfield stripping the wallpaper from the dining room. Rather obviously, he remarked, «You’re decorating, I see.» To which Alf replied, «Nay Stanley lad, I’m moving ‘ouse to Bradford.»
- At an antiques auction in Leeds, England a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £5,000, and he would give a reward of £50 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Yorkshire voice shouted, «I’ll give £100!»
- Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
- Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
- Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
- Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
- Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. See more on quirky English humour
- Only in England…do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.
- Only in England…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
- Only in England…do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
See more Only in… English jokes
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, ‘We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.’ The Englishman responds, ‘I’d like to hear «God Save The Queen» just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.’ The Irishman replies, ‘I’d like to hear «Danny Boy» just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.’ The Welshman answers, ‘I’d like to hear «Men Of Harlech» just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.’ The Scotsman says quickly, ‘I’d like to be shot first.’ See more Englishman, Irishman…. jokes
- Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
- What is the longest word in the English language? ‘Smiles’. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
- Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares.
- Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did when they heard the world was coming to an end? The English all went out and got drunk. The Irish all went to church. And the Scots had a closing down sale.
- There are four kinds of people in the UK : i. First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath — and everything else they could lay their hands on; ii. Then there were the Welsh — who prayed on their knees and their neighbours; iii. Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted — but were willing to fight for it anyway. iv. Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.
- What do you do if you are driving your car in central London and you see a space man? Park in it, of course.
- What government agency is responsible for finding lost vicars? The Bureau of Missing Parsons.
- Last night there was a big fight in our local fish and chip shop — a lot of fish got battered.
- Last night a man fell into a barrel of beer and drowned — he came to a bitter end.
- Did you hear about the man who was convicted of stealing luggage from the airport? He asked for twenty other cases to be taken into account.
A Funny British Pub Name: The Quiet Woman A Splendid Example of an Oxymoron?
Could this village be twinned with Headless Cross, in Worcestershire, England?
Replacement Windows — A Funny English Joke
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive casement type with shutters. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them. Hellloo………… Just because I have fair hair doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hellloo? It’s been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with «I». Paul: I is the… Teacher: No, Paul . You must say «I am» not «I is.» John: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
The British Abroad
Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, ‘Mira el mosca.’ The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, ‘No, senor, «la mosca»… es feminina.’ Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, ‘Good heavens….. you must have incredibly good eyesight.’
Classic Short English Gag
Two old men, Dick and Norton were sitting next to each other on the London subway [tube]. Their hearing isn’t good. Dick mutters, ‘Is this Wembley?’ ‘No,’ says Norton, ‘It’s Thursday.’ Dick answers, ‘OK then, let’s find a pub and have a drink.’
What did Anne Boleyn’s mother say when her daughter said that she had fallen in love with Henry the VIII and was going to marry him? That man’s not worth losing your head over.
Good Short British Jokes
Locked Car — Frozen Brain When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the Mechanic, ‘It’s open.’ His reply, ‘I know. I already did that side.’ This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK. She Doesn’t Gets a Buzz The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?’ She is a Local County Employee in Harrow, Middlesex , UK Dear Deer I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: «Too many deer are being hit by cars out here. I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.» Story from Potters Bar, Herts, UK Footnote: Please send us your short English jokes
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