Military Humor — Jokes and Sayings

Military Humor — Jokes and Sayings ]]>

Cheech and Chong comedy routine in which the World War II commander of a Japanese kamikaze squadron briefly reviews the day’s battle plan for his troops.

«Today,» he exhorts, «you will take your kamikaze airplane high into the sky, over the Yankee aircraft carrier, then take the kamikaze plane down, crashing on the deck, killing yourself and all aboard. Before we have the ceremonial sake toast, are there any questions?»

A hand rises tentatively in the back of the crowd: «Honorable general-san: Are you out of your flipping mind?»

Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco, a passenger noticed that, although the flight was a particularly smooth one, the «Fasten Seat Belts» sign stayed illuminated throughout the entire trip. Just before landing, he asked the flight attendant about it …

«Well,» she explained, «up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.

«In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you have us do?»

A RAF engineering officers joke: Whats the difference between a fighter pilot and his aircraft? The plane stops whining when you shut down the engines.

A Navy officer was cutting through the crew’s quarters of his carrier one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.

«Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?» the officer demanded.

«No, sir, but it’s not the same thing, is it?»

«What do you mean, ‘not the same’?»

«Well, we don’t land airplanes on our roof at home either!»

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

«Your jeep stuck sir?» asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

«Nope,» replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, «Yours is.»

* Rank Has Its Privileges

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, «Yes General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.»

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, «What do you want?»

«Nothing important, sir,» the airman replied, «I’m just here to hook up your telephone.»

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, «What time is it?»

The tower responded, «Who is calling?»

The aircraft replied, «What difference does it make?»

The tower replied, «It makes a lot of difference. If you’re an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o’clock. If you’re an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If you’re a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If you’re a Marine Corps aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. But if you’re an Army aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to «Happy Hour!!!».

Officer: «Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?»

Soldier: «Sure, buddy.»

Officer: «That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again!»

Officer: » Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?»

Soldier: «No, SIR!»

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
       A: He’ll tell you.

Q: What’s the difference between God and fighter pilots?
       A: God doesn’t think he’s a fighter pilot.

Q: What’s the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?»
       A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

You’ve ever said, «Oh yes sir, it’s supposed to look like that.» You’ve ever sucked LOX to cure a hangover. You know what JP4/JP5 tastes like. You’ve ever used a piece of safety wire as a toothpick. You’ve ever had to say, «My boots are still black!» (or ever spray-painted them black) You have ever used soot from the tailpipe to blacken your boots.

You believe the aircraft has a soul. You talk to the aircraft.

The only thing you know about any city is where the good bars are. You know more about your coworkers than you do about your own family.

You can’t figure out why maintenance officers exist.

You ever wished the pilot would just say, «Great aircraft!»

You think everyone who isn’t a Crew Chief is a wimp. You wondered where they keep finding the idiots that keep making up stupid rules. You consider ‘Moly-B’ fingerprints on food an ‘acquired taste’.

You’ve ever been told to «go get us some prop wash, a yard of flight line or the keys to the jet.

You have ever jumped inside an intake to get out of the rain. Little yellow ear plugs are all over your house. You have ever preflighted in really bad weather only to learn that the flight was canceled hours ago. Your spouse refuses to watch any aviation shows or attend air shows with you.

You have ever looked for pictures of «your» jet in aviation books and magazines. You can’t figure out why two weeks of advance per-diem is gone after three days. You can sleep anywhere, anytime. But as soon as the engines shut down you are wide awake. You have ever used, wheel chock, or tow bar for a pillow. You have ever stood on wheel chocks to keep your feet dry. You have ever used a pair of Dykes to trim a fingernail. You have ever pulled the gun switch while riding brakes. You have ever started a jet inside the hanger! You have ever wiped leaks right before a crew show.

All you care about is the flying schedule and your days off. You have ever had to defuel your jet an hour after fueling it. Everyone you know has some kind of nickname. You have used the «Pull Chocks» hand signal to tell your buddies it is time to leave.. You have ever bled hydraulic fluid into a Gatorade bottle or soda can because you are too lazy to go get a hydraulic bucket and the Hazmat keys. If have you ever been tackled, duct taped to a tow bar, covered in PET and sand, egged, sourmilked, peanut buttered and jellied, and slapped under the emergency wash station in 30 deg weather?

You know in your heart that your jet is female.

You refer to ANY machine as «she.» You refer to QA as «the enemy.» You hate Ops, Maintenance Control, QA, and cops.

You know the international marshalling sign for «pull your head out of your ass.»

You’ve ever worked weekend duty on a jet that isn’t flying on Monday. You’ve wanted the jet to start just so you can warm up. You can’t remember half of your coworkers real names… only their nicknames.

You fix 30 million dollar jets, but can’t figure out what’s wrong with your $150 lawnmower. Your toolbox at home has wheels and foam cutouts, just like the ones at work. Some of the tools in your toolbox at home are etched.

If the way you measure the cost of living in other countries is by the price of a beer at a bar.

And best of all, you know everybody you send this to will understand because they were all crew chiefs!

The C.O.’s Morning Briefing:

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was ‘work’ and how much of it was ‘pleasure?’
The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The Colonel’s Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee.

What was HIS opinion?

With out hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, «Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure.» The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? «Well, Sir, began the Private First Class, «if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.»

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

You don’t win a war by dying for your country. You win a war by making the other son-of-a-bitch die for his. — General Patton

If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate — — the bombs always hit the ground.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

The difficult we do immediately. The impossible takes a little while longer. — U.S. Navy Seabees

It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!

When in doubt empty the magazine.

If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.

Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

«You, you, and you: Panic. The rest of you, come with me.»

Odd objects attract fire — never lurk behind one.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

Don’t look conspicuous: it draws fire.

Tracers work both ways.

Five second fuses only last three seconds.

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit. — from the Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.

Who *cares* if a laser guided 500 lb bomb is accurate to within 9 feet?

The easy way is always mined.

Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.

Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.

If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

Never trust a private with a loaded weapon, or an officer with a map.

If you can’t remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

Push to test… Release to detonate.

Those who beat their swords into plowshares will plow for those who don’t.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.

Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.

Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.

Don’t draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: 1. When you’re ready for them. 2. When you’re not ready for them.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

Friendly fire — isn’t.

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. — Paul Rodriguez

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

When you’re short of everything but the enemy, you’re in combat.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction.

If you find yourself in a fair fight you didn’t plan your mission properly!

Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher — «Aim towards Enemy»

It’s not the bullet with your name on it you have to be worried about. It’s the bullet addressed ‘to whom it may concern. {Editor’s note. In the book «Air War» by Edward Jabolonski, he tells of a B-17 pilot on a mission to Germany whose number did come up. Seems that a flak shell exploded and pieces of it went into his a/c cockpit on his side but it was a «spent» explosion so only the shell casing punched through the aluminum and fell onto the floor. He picked it up and printed on the shell fragment was the pilot’s exact military identification number. He turned to his co-pilot and stated: «We better get the hell out of here since that shell had my number on it!». After the war he had it made into a plaque and has it on the wall of this home.}

The diversion you are ignoring may be the main attack.

«Any ship can be a minesweeper …… once.»
—Admiral Hornblower

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign «Speedbird 206»:

Speedbird 206: «Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway.»

Ground: «Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate.»

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: «Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?»

Speedbird 206: «Stand by a moment, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.»

Ground (with arrogant impatience): «Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?»

Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn’t stop.»

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A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?»

Ground (in English): «If you want an answer you must speak English.»

Lufthansa (in English): «I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?»

Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): «Because you lost the bloody war!»

A friend of mine made this comment after I sent him the above story:
«Some French commercial pilots try to speak French with their ground controllers while over France. I think they should speak German because they have lost two out of the last three wars with the Germans!»

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A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.

The French general asked, «Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don’t you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?»

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won’t show and the men they are leading won’t panic.

And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.

The B-24 was the crate they shipped B-17s in.

— A saying some B-24 crews have concerning B-17s.

Artificial Intelligence

Sadly, artificial intelligence will probably never be a match for natural stupidity.

— Bill Cox aviation writer.

Do you know what they used to feed German Fliers for breakfast?

— LuftWaffels

Photographic Memory

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

— Tom Philo

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«A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.» — Douglas Adams

«Acocdrnig to an elgnsih unviesitry sutdy the oredr of letetrs in a wrod dosen’t mttaer, the olny thnig thta’s iopmrantt is that the frsit and lsat ltteer of eevry word is in the crorect ptoision. The rset can be jmbueld and one is stlil able to raed the txet wiohtut dclftfuiiy.»

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«Know the Code»
«Use the Code Luke»


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