Our best! Short and funny jokes for everyone!
An old lady always travels the same route on a bus. Over time, she became friendly with the driver and she’d always bring him a nice little bag of peanuts.
The bus driver was enjoying the nuts at first, but after a few days he said to the lady, “Come on, Mrs. Bilker, it’s really nice of you, I’m loving the peanuts, but please stop bringing me so much, have some for yourself.”
“Ah, no bother young man,” laughs the old lady, “I don’t have my teeth anymore, I couldn’t eat them even if I wanted to. But I’m crazy mad for the yummy chocolate they always come coated with!”
A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.
At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot?”
The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “No. I’m afraid to.”
Father looks hard at a teenage son, “James, you’ve been adopted.”
James jumps up, “Adopted! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father laughs, “No no, James, we are your biological parents. But you need to get packing, your adoptive ones will be here in an hour.”
Harvey comes home late at night, drunk as a skunk. He staggers into the bedroom and wakes his sleeping wife, “Ellie, wake up! You’ll never believe this!”
“What happened?” Ellie replies sleepily.
“I just went to the bathroom and guess what, the light switched itself on, all by itself. And as I was going out, the light went off again, I didn’t have to do anything! Am I getting superpowers or what!”
Emily groans, “Come on, Harvey! You filthy animal, I bet you just went and peed in the fridge again!”
“Dad, I got my smarts from you, didn’t I?”
“That’s right my clever boy!”
“Yup, thought so, mom still has hers.”
Peter confronts his friend at work, “Paul, did you yell at my wife, slap my kids about and kicked my cat when you came to pick up that folder yesterday?!”
Paul stammers, “But… but your wife said I should make myself at home!”
A girl yells at her boyfriend, “That’s it, Henry, we’re through!”
“What? You want to break up? Why?”
“I’m sick of you constantly laughing at my weight!”
“Ah darling, please, don’t be like that! Come here, grab these two chairs for yourself, let’s sit down and talk it out.”
I’m really lazy in the mornings. I mean, going out of the shower to go to the toilet and then back in? That’s just too much time and effort. And with a bit of patience, the water will carry the little pile away without any remains.
Son comes in from outside, stops just behind the house door and yells, “Moooooooom!!!!”
His mother screams in frustration from the first floor, “I’ve had enough of this constant hollering. If you’ve got something to say, come and say it to me in person, don’t just yell like that!”
The boy obediently walks through the hall, up the stairs and into his mom’s room and says, “Look mom, I stepped in dog’s doo doo!”
Two prison guards are changing shifts in the morning, “You know that prisoner 885 ran off in the night?”
The other guard sighs, “Ah finally. No more of that dang hammering.”
A guest is ordering at a restaurant, “Do you think you could bring me what that gentleman over there is having?”
The waiter looks at him sternly, “No sir, I’m very sure he intends to eat it himself.”
“So, Mr. Tweedly, do you sleep by an open window, like I recommended?” a doctor checks with his patient.
“I do, doc, just like you told me.”
“And those coughs have disappeared now?”
“Not really, no, so far the only things to disappear were my cellphone and notebook.”
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common?
The idea, “I will make it home.”
A boy and his father go together for a boys’ day out at the zoo.
“Daddy, I don’t like how that gorilla’s looking at me from behind that glass, she’s quite scary!” says the boy.
“Shush, Jason!!!! This is still only the ticket office!”
Boy comes up to his father, all angry, «Dad, you remember how you told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How you said it would impress the girls?»
Father looks up, smiling, «Yeah, did it work?»
The boy screams, «You could have mentioned that the potato goes in the front!»
I thought it would be nice to share a burger with this homeless guy I keep seeing on my way to work.
But that stingy jerk told me to go get my own.
An old lady comes in for her medical check-up: “Doctor Ribbit, you remember how you warned me that I should avoid going up and down stairs as much as I can?”
“Yes,” agrees the doctor, “the last X-rays made that very clear Mrs. Jenkins.”
“You know, I’m not sure it was such a great idea doctor… I have to say all that climbing up and down the rainwater downpipe is becoming quite hard!”
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