Jokes in English – English Whatsapp Jokes 2019

English Whatsapp Jokes, Funny WhatsApp Jokes in English, best collection of  WhatsApp veg Jokes in English, English Whatsapp #Jokes

Funny Jokes in English The Ugliest Baby

 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.

Anna: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant’s milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.

Ben: That’s impossible. Whose baby?
Anna: An elephant’s.

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn’t.
Officer: Yes, you were. I’m giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn’t speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can’t give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you’re a jerk!

Are you guys looking for some new funny jokes in English? If yes, you are in the right place. Laughter is the best medicine for your brain and body.

New Funny Jokes in English

My girlfriend’s birthday is in two days.
And she told me “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring”.
So I bought her nothing!

Difference between a beautiful night and a horror night.
Beautiful night is,
When you hug your teddy bear and sleep.
Horror night is,
When your teddy bear hugs you BACK.

What is love?
Love is our 7th sense that destroys all 6 sense
And makes the person nonsense.

Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.
Before the takeoff, one announcement came
“This plane is made by your students”
Then all the professors stood up, ran and went outside.
But the principal was sitting.
One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”?
Then the principal replied
“I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won’t even start”.

Funny English Joke: Before the problems start!

A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”

He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”

The bartender looks confused but gives him another beer.

This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these beers?”

The man answers, “Now the problems start!”

 

 

Funny English Joke:  Twins

 

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’

The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

Wife wants to relax today!

Wife:
Today, I want to relax,
so I have brought three movie tickets.

Husband: why three tickets?

Wife: you and your parents.

 

Two men are discussing their lives. One says, “I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear.” The other one says, “Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons.”

Accidents outside work place

Employee: Boss, I’ve got married. Can I get a pay rise?

Boss: We do not compensate for the accidents that happen outside of the work place.

English Joke: Wife Wanted

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.” Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
————————-
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
————————-
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.”
————————-
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him “What was the name of his other leg?”
————————-
The doctor to the patient: ‘You are very sick’
The patient to the doctor: ‘Can I get a second opinion?’
The doctor again: ‘Yes, you are very ugly too…’
————————-
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”
————————-
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
————————-
Patient: Doctor! You’ve got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!
————————-
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
————————-
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that’s okay. The soup isn’t hot.

English Whatsapp Jokes , Funny WhatsApp Jokes in English, best collection of  WhatsApp Jokes in English

“No I just wanted to make sure u got my 1st message.”

Husband sent a text to wife at night,
“Hi I will get late, plz try and wash all my dirty clothes
And make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return.”
He sent another text, “I forgot to tell u that I got an increase in
My salary at the end of month I’m getting u a new car”
She text back, “Omg really?”
Husband Replied: “No I just wanted to make sure u got my 1st msg.”

 

A man is in a hotel lobby – English Joke

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”

 

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?” The husband said, “No sweetie.” The woman said, “I’m sure you would.” So the man said, “Okay, I would” Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?” And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.” Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?” And the husband replied, “No, she’s left handed.”

 

Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, “He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?” “No,” replies the wife, “he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our son John”

 

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

 

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says, “I’m sorry, honey. I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh.” The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. “Do you have a dentist appointment, too?

English Whatsapp Jokes , Funny WhatsApp Jokes in English, best collection of  WhatsApp Jokes in English

 

On their 25th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Joseph was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us Joseph, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?” Joseph responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”

 

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.” Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

 

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

 

Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”

Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”

Doctor: “Nine.”

 

Engineers Always Rock

An Engineer Having No Child, No Money, No Home, Blind Mother, Prays To God.

God Says He Will Grant Him One Wish.

Engineer: “I Want My Mother To See My Wife Putting Diamond Bangles On My Child’s Hands In Our New Bungalow.”

God: “Damn! I Still Have A Lot To Learn From These Engineers.”

Engineers Always Rock.

 

Collection of Short English Jokes

  • Britain has invented a new missile. It’s called the civil servant – it doesn’t work and it can’t be fired.
  • What do you call an Englishman with an IQ of 50?  Colonel, sir.
  • They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.
  • An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.
    ‘Would you like one with a plug?’ asked the assistant.
    ‘Don’t tell me they’ve gone electric,’ said the Englishman.

Funny English Jokes from Yorkshire

  • Stanley decided to look up his friend Alf, who was a tight-fisted Yorkshireman.  He found Alf at his bungalow in Huddersfield stripping the wallpaper from the dining room.  Rather obviously, he remarked, “You’re decorating, I see.”  To which Alf replied, “Nay Stanley lad, I’m moving ‘ouse to Bradford.”
  • At an antique auction in Leeds, England a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £5,000, and he would give a reward of £50 to the person who found it.  From the back of the hall, a Yorkshire voice shouted, “I’ll give £100!”

The Problem with Speaking English

  1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
  2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
  3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
  4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
  5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

Classic Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman Joke

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, ‘We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.’

The Englishman responds, ‘I’d like to hear “God Save The Queen” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.’

The Irishman replies, ‘I’d like to hear “Danny Boy” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.’

The Welshman answers, ‘I’d like to hear “Men Of Harlech” just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.’

The Scotsman says quickly, ‘I’d like to be shot first.’

Ten Short English Jokes

  1. Why do cows wear bells?
    Because their horns don’t work.
  2. What is the longest word in the English language? ‘Smiles’.  Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
  3. Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?  Because from a distance they looked like hares.
  4. Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did when they heard the world was coming to an end? English all went out and got drunk. The Irish all went to church. And the Scots had a closing down sale.
  5. There are four kinds of people in the UK :
    i. First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath – and everything else they could lay their hands on;
    ii. Then there were the Welsh – who prayed on their knees and their neighbors;
    iii. Thirdly there was the Irish who never knew what they wanted – but were willing to fight for it anyway.
    iv. Lastly, there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.
  6. What do you do if you are driving your car in central London and you see a spaceman?  Park in it, of course.
  7. What government agency is responsible for finding lost vicars?  The Bureau of Missing Parsons.
  8. Last night there was a big fight in our local fish and chip shop – a lot of fish got battered.
  9. Last night a man fell into a barrel of beer and drowned – he came to a bitter end.
  10. Did you hear about the man who was convicted of stealing luggage from the airport?  He asked for twenty other cases to be taken into account.

 

 

 

 

Like this:

Like Loading…

Related

Добавить комментарий

Ваш адрес email не будет опубликован. Обязательные поля помечены *