Father enters the room where his son talk on the computer with a chick. He screams… What is it man that you doing here? Can’t get a woman for you? What the hell is going on with all this youngsters this days… and while he is walking out the son goes like.. Hey dad what’s wrong with it? i love her … what’s a different how i mett her? Remember you and mom? And all dissapointed father looks at him and say’s: Hey .. you! I WON your mama in Vegas on Black Jack!
The little girl in school was drawing a picture. Teacher asked her: «What are you drawing?». She answered: «GOD» Teacher said: «But we dont know how God looks like.» The little girl said: » You will know after I finish.»
The elves love to make up silly Christmas jokes when they’re making presents. And Christmas jokes are their favourite! Here are some of the jokes that always make the elves laugh!
What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
A definition of Christmas:
The time when everyone gets «Santa»-mental.
What’s the best thing to give your parents for Christmas?
A list of everything you want!
Why is it so cold at Christmas?
Because it’s in Decembrrrr!
What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus!
Why do Mummies like Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping!
What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A «Holly» Davidson!
An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill. Which one picked it up??
Santa! The other two don’t exist!
What does Santa get if he gets stuck in a chimney?
What would you call Father Christmas if he became a detective?
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, «What are you charged with?» «Doing my Christmas shopping early», replied the defendant. That’s no offence», said the judge. » It is if you do it before the shop opened», countered the prisoner.
Absent Minded Professors
One of the world greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, «Take it easy. You’ll find it.» When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn’t find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, «I’m sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it.» «You’re very kind,» he said, «but I must find it, otherwise I won’t know where to get off.»
Professor Jones was visiting a ranch out in Texas. He looked at a rope in his hand and mumbled to himself, «One of the two things — either I’ve found a rope or lost a horse.»
Professor (sitting beside his bed with a shoe in his hand): «Now let’s see, am I going to sleep or waking up ?»
The university professor and his wife were leaving church. Professor : «Ha, ha! Who’s absent-minded now ? You forgot your umbrella and left it in church, but I remembered mine and I picked up yours, too.» Wife : «Fine — but the trouble is, neither you nor I brought an umbrella to church today!»
Four engineers were travelling by car to a seminar, when unfortunately, the vehicle broke down. The chemical engineer said «Obviously, some constituent of the fuel has caused this failure to occur.» The mechanical engineer replied «I disagree, I would surmise that an engine component has suffered a catastrophic structural failure.» The electrical engineer also had a theory. «I believe an electrical component has ceased to function, thereby causing an ignition malfunction.» The software engineer thought for some time. When at last he spoke he said «What would happen if we all got out and then got back in again?»
* * *
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress… The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says, «It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!»
* * *
A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, «Pack your bags, I’ve won the lottery!» The husband excitedly asks, «Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?» She says, «Pack’em all, you’re leaving!»
* * *
A woman is trying to board a bus, but her skirt is too tight and she can’t step up. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries again. Skirt’s still too tight. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper some more. She still can’t get on, and lowers the zipper a third time. Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto the bus. She spins around and says, «Sir, I don’t know you well enough for you to do that!» The guy says, «Lady, I don’t know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times, either.»
* * *
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: «The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.» He continued, «Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?» At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: «How much for a season pass?»
* * *
A man finds a lamp and rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie says that he will grant the man one wish. The man thinks for a minute and says, «You know, I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m afraid of flying. So my wish is that you build a road to Hawaii.» The genie thought about that and said to the man, «I don’t think I can grant this wish. All the asphalt and supplies to make the roads, tunnels, and bridges. Not to mention the amount of time and work it would take. That’s just too much work. So, no, make another wish.» The man thought for a moment and said, «Well, something else I would really like is to know what goes on inside a woman’s head. I want to understand women. You know, what makes them laugh, what makes them cry, why they get mad, why they are happy. Just overall, what makes them tick.» The genie looked at the man and said, «Two lanes or four?»
* * *
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, «And what starting salary were you looking for?» The candidate said, «In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.» The HR person said, «Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary and a company car leased every 2 years — say, a red Corvette?» The MBA sat up straight and said, «Wow!!! Are you kidding?» And the HR person said, «Certainly, … but you started it.»
* * *
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: «The parrot on the left costs $500.» «Why, does the parrot cost so much?», asks the first man. The owner says, «Well the parrot knows how to use a computer.» The man then asks about the next parrot. He is told that this one costs $1000, because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system. Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot. He is told that it costs $2000. Needless to say this begs the question, «What can it do?» To which the owner replies, «To be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!»
* * *
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest. «Oh I don’t care,» said the waiter with a smile. «We don’t even have an air conditioner.»
* * *
«Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.»
«So what do you expect me to do — call a lifeguard?»* * *
«Waiter, your thumb’s in my soup!»
«That’s all right, madame, it’s not hot.»* * *
«Waiter, there’s a button in my soup.»
«Oh, thank-you, sir. I’ve been looking for that everywhere.»* * *
This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it’s right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings. «Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German,» replies the shop keeper. «And what happens if I pull both the strings?» our curious shopper inquires. «I fall off my perch you fool!!» screeches the parrot.
* * *
A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole family depart for a night out on the town. As he creeps across the darkened living room he hears a voice saying: «I can see you….. and Jesus can see you». The burglar shines his penlight torch around the room, but sees nothing. He takes another step, and he hears it again: «I can see you….. and Jesus can see you». This time he realizes the voice comes from above, and when he shines his torch around he sees a parrot sitting on top of a cupboard. It looks him in the eye and says: «I can see you….. and Jesus can see you». The burglar laughs and says «You’re just a parrot». The parrot looks him in the eye and says «I’m a parrot and my name is Ebenezer». The burglar laughs again, and says «Ebenezer is a pretty silly name for a parrot». The parrot looks him in the eye, waits until he has stopped laughing, and says: «I agree completely…… ….and Jesus is a pretty silly name for a rotweiler».
* * *
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. «Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.» Watson replies, «I see millions of stars.» «What does that tell you?» Watson ponders for a minute. «Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?» Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. «Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.»
* * *
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
* «A woman called and said, «I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.» I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, «Yeah, whatever.»
* I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
* A woman called to make reservations, «I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York» The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said «Are you sure that’s the name of the town?» «Yes, what flights do you have?» replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, «I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere. The customer retorted, «Oh, don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!» The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, «You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?» «That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!»
* * *
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, «If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?» The lawyer answers, «Absolutely.» «Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.» The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $250 due for a consultation.
* * *
«You are a cheat!» shouted the attorney to his opponent. «And you’re a liar!» bellowed the opposition. Banging his gavel sharply, His Honor interrupted: «All right, now that both attorneys have been identified, let’s get on with this case.»
* * *
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. «But officer,» the man began, «I can explain.» «Just be quiet,» snapped the officer. «I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.» «But, officer, I just wanted to say,…» «And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!» A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, «Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.» «Don’t count on it,» answered the fellow in the cell. «I’m the groom.»
* * *NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS FOR INTERNET JUNKIES
*I will try to figure out why I «really» need 12 e-mail addresses.
*I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every now and then would be appreciated
*I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
*I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
*I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily…well, once a week…okay, monthly then…or maybe… at least once a year
*I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet — This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
*I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.
*When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, «LOL… LOL!»
*I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
* * *
THE WEARY HOUSEWIFE
The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her ear. «How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?» «Oh, mom, the baby won’t eat, the washing machine is broke, I’ve not been able to get out of the house to shop, I twisted my ankle and have been hobbling around. On top of that, the house is a mess and we’re supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight.» «Now dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, and I’ll be over in 1/2 hour. I’ll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I’ll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know who’ll get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I’ll call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once.» «George? Who’s George?» «Why, that’s your husband, dear.» «Mom, I don’t have a husband.» «Is this 234-5678?» «Uh, no, it’s not. I think you have a wrong number.» The housewife paused. «Uhhh, does this mean you’re not coming over?»
* * *
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
«Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.»
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: «Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?»
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, «Yes,» then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: «I thought we had a deal.»
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: «She made me a better offer.»
* * *
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims, «May the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.» The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: «No thanks, I’ll just wait till the Police get here!»
* * *
When the window cleaner arrived at the Green’s house, he was stopped in his tracks by a snarling, barking dog. «Don’t be afraid of him,» said Mrs. Green «You know the old proverb: ‘A barking dog never bites’.» «Sure,» said the window cleaner. «You know the old proverb. I know the old proverb. But does your dog know the old proverb?».
* * *
Two biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack. The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says, «What in the world are you doing?» He replies, «I figure when the bear gets close to us, we’ll jump down and make a run for it.» The second guy says, «Are you crazy? We both know you can’t outrun a full-grown grizzly bear.» The first guy says, «I don’t have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!»
* * *
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, «How was I born?» «Well honey…» said the slightly prudish mother, «the stork brought you to us.» «Oh,» said the boy, «and how did you and daddy get born?» «Oh, the stork brought us too.» «Well how were grandpa and grandma born?» the boy persisted. «Well darling, the stork brought them too!» said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: «This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.»
* * *
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, «Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?» The little boy nodded in the affirmative. «Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?» The little boy nodded yes. «So,» the coach continued, «when a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?» Again the little boy nodded. «Good,» said the coach, «now go over there and explain it to your mother.»
* * *
A guy is having breakfast when his wife comes on down and is mad as hell at him. He asks why she’s mad… She says that she found a piece of paper with the name MARILU on it… He pauses and says: Honey that is a tip on a horse that ran last week at the track when he went with his friends, she calms down somewhat. Next morning she comes down really mad this time and starts slapping him he asks what the hell got her so mad this time; she says THE HORSE JUST CALLED YOU.
Little Johnny went up to his father and asked:
— Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?
Johnny’s father replied:
— Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine.
* * *
— Johnny, If you had 5$ and you asked your father for 3$ more, how many dollars would you have?
— I would have five dollars…
— You don’t know your arithmetic, Johnny…
— You don’t know my father, Mrs. Mutch…
* * *
A Filipino guy gets stopped by immigration at the airport. Immigration tells him, «Use the words ‘chicken not bread’ in a sentence.» The Filipino looks around, puts a bag over a woman’s head and yells, «Chee kennot bred! Chee kennot bred!» (accent on «she cannot breathe»)
* * *
An arctic explorer came face to face with a polar bear. Afraid of being eaten, he fell to his knees and started praying. When the polar bear knelt down beside him and started praying too, the man shouted, «It’s a miracle!» The polar bear opened one eye and said «Don’t talk while I’m saying grace.»
*grace — êðàòêà ìîëèòâà ïðåäè è ñëåä ÿäåíå
* * *
Johnny had just received his brand new driver’s license*. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver. «I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,» says the beaming boy to his dad. «Nope,» comes dad’s reply, «I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.»
*driver’s license — øîôüîðñêà êíèæêà
* * *
The British Ambassador walked briskly into the foyer of an Washington hotel, and stopped for a moment to speak with one of the attendants in the lobby. After he walked on, an assistant manager who had noted the incident, went over to the boy and said: «What did the Ambassador want?» «I don’t know, sir», answered the bellboy. «He couldn’t speak English.»
* * *
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, «What a beautiful night… look at the moon.» The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, «You are wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.» They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. «Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?» The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, «Sorry, I don’t live around here.»
* * *
Two divers go spear-fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore. The first one says, “I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish.” The other answers, “Yes, I made an ‘X’ on the side of the boat to mark the spot.” “You idiot!” cries the first, “How do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow?”
* * *
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, «Can I help you?» The man said, «Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.»
* * *
A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury. «Why is the injury not covered?» he asked. «You got hit in the head by a chair lift.» — the insurance rep said. «That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing condition.»
* * *
A college student sent the following letter to her parents:
Today i$ $eptember 15. I’m doing $uperb in $chool (or, $hould I $ay, college). The teacher$ are great, my roommate$ are great, and I’m having a $uper time! All I could u$e right now is a little ca$h.
To which the parents responded:
NOthing happening on this end. Something’s wrong, because you kNOw, we got this letter in NOvember. I am NOt worrying about anything down here, kNOck on wood huh?
Your loving parents, NOrden and Morden Finkelstein.
* * *Bird Watching
A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they spent weeks studying for the final. The day of the exam arrived and they were more than ready for the test. The teacher pulled out a chart, and on it were different pictures of bird’s legs. The teacher said, «This is your exam. Name these birds by their legs.» After ten minutes one boy stood up, absolutely furious, and slammed the paper down on the teachers desk. «Dammit!» he hollered. «You knew I needed to pass this exam to graduate. How could you do this to me?» The guy begins to leave the room and the teacher yells at him, «Hey you, boy, what’s your name?» The student pulls up his pants, revealing his legs, and says, «I don’t know sir. You tell me.»
* * *
— «It’s clear» said the teacher, «That you haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse?»
— «Well, my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down!»
* * *
A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting. «Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?» he asks.
The two Aussies just stare at him.
«Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?» he tries.
The two continue to stare.
«Hablan ustedes Espanol?»
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, «Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.»
«Why?» says the other. «That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.»
* * *
Little Jimmy was studying for an American history test when his Grampa came by.
He looked up at his Grampa and said, «When you were in school, you had it easy. Back then, American history was considered current events.»
* * *
A boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.
«Wonderful,» says the mother, «What part is it?»
The boy says «I play the part of the husband!»
The mother scowls and says: «Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.»