An Englishman asked an Irishman to show him the biggest building in an Irish town.
«There it is now» said the Irishman, «isn’t it a fine structure entirely?»
«Is that your biggest building?» asked the Englishman.
«Why back in England we have buildings over a hundred times the size of that!»
«I’m not surprised,» said the Irishman,»that’s the local lunatic asylum.»
Never ask a foreigner where he is from. If he is not English he will tell you within a few minutes, and if he is English, why embarrass him?
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,» may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.» The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: » no thanks, I’ll just wait till the Garda get here!»
An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them.
«This is a magic ride,» she says. «You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down.»
«I’m game for this,» says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting «GOLD!» at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.
The Englishman goes next and shouts «SILVER!» at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.
The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts «WEEEEEEE!»
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were hungry one night and had money only for a small pie. Since it was too small to divide they decided to go to sleep and The pie would go to The person who had The most interesting dream.
When they woke up in The morning. The Englishman said, ‘I had a very interesting dream. I dreamed I was ruler over The whole world. You can’t get more interesting than that, so I deserve The pie.’
‘Hold it,’ said The Scotsman. ‘I dreamed I was ruler over The whole universe, so that pie belongs to me.’
‘I had The most interesting dream of all,’ said The Irishman. ‘I dreamed I was hungry, so I got up and ate The pie.’
Two Englishmen in Cardiff were fitting out their new shop
As yet, the shop wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, «I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.»
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, «What are you selling here?»
One of the men replied sarcastically, «We’re selling ar$e-holes.»
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, «Must be doing well… Only two left.»