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Funny Jokes In English
Serverd By ShayariStatus Two factory workers are talking The woman says, ‘I can make the boss give me the day off.” The man replies, ‘And how would you do that?”
The woman says, ‘Just wait and see.’ She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, ‘What are you doing?”
The woman replies, ‘I’m a light bulb.’
The boss then says, ‘You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, ‘Where are you going?” The man says, ‘I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.’
Serverd By ShayariStatus Another Moon?… Possible Another Sun?… Possible Another Sky?… Possible Another person Like U?… Impossible ‘Coz God can’t make the same Mistake twice.
Serverd By ShayariStatus When a Guy does Something Wrong… Girl : You broke my Favorite Lamp !!!
Boy : It was an Accident… I didn’t mean to..!!
Girl : I can’t believe you did this.
Boy : I’m Sorry.. !! :/ :/ :/ When a Girl does Something Wrong…
Boy : You Lost My Dog??!!!
Girl : It was an Accident… I didn’t mean to..!!
Boy : I can’t believe you did this.
Girl : I already feel bad about it..!! Stop making me feel Worse..!!
Boy : I’m Sorry.. !! :/ :/ :/
Serverd By ShayariStatus A student is talking to his teacher. Student: ‘Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?’ Teacher: ‘Of course not.’ Student: ‘Good, because I haven’t done my homework.’
Serverd By ShayariStatus Question by a student !! If a single teacher can’t teach us all the subjects, Then… How could you expect a single student to learn all subjects ?
Serverd By ShayariStatus My Hands Never Have Pain When Typing SMS For You, But My Heart Always In Pain When There Is No Reply For Me!.
Serverd By ShayariStatus I am Looking for a Bank which can perform Two things for me. Give me a Loan, and then Leave me Alone….
Serverd By ShayariStatus According to a research 87% of young people have back pain. . The other 13% have no computer.
Serverd By ShayariStatus Modern… Obedient.. Neat… Kind… Excellent.. Young. Thats ME. Dont feel sad… Ur name is also there… read d 1st letter of every word.
Serverd By ShayariStatus Wats d height of hope?? It is: sittin in d exam hall, holdin d question paper in hand n tellin ur self “dude,dnt worry. Exams wil get postponed!”
funny jokes in english
WhatsApp Jokes In English
Serverd By ShayariStatus A Sindhi rings the Times of India office to place an Obituary for his dead grandfather.
Sindhi: How much does it cost to print an Obituary in the Sunday edition of the Times of India?
Help Desk (TOI): Sir, we charge Rupees 50 per word.
Sindhi: (Thinking)… Hmmm… Wari likho ni… ‘DADA DEAD’.
Help Desk (TOI): Sir, you have to give a minimum of five words.
Sindhi: (Thinking harder)… Hmmm… Wari sochne do…likho ni… ‘DADA DEAD, HONDA FOR SALE ‘.
Serverd By ShayariStatus A lady approaches a priest and tells him,
‘Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?’
Serverd By ShayariStatus That’s terrible! the priest exclaimed. ‘But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
Serverd By ShayariStatus My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.’
Serverd By ShayariStatus So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?’
Serverd By ShayariStatus One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, ‘Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!’
Serverd By ShayariStatus Ravan had 20 eyes but he sighted only one woman ….
You have only 2 eyes but you sight every woman. Now who is Ravan????????????????
Serverd By ShayariStatus Scientists are trying to figure out how long a person can live without brain..
Please tell them your age!!!!!!
Serverd By ShayariStatus Dad to son:
when I beat you how do you control your anger?
Son: I start cleaning toilet
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Son: I clean it with your toothbrush.
Serverd By ShayariStatus Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
funny jokes in english
Jokes Of The Day
Serverd By ShayariStatus Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
Serverd By ShayariStatus Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
Serverd By ShayariStatus It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs. Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
Serverd By ShayariStatus Why do Bride & Groom exchange ‘Varmaala’ during wedding ? To tell each other affectionately… ..Sweetheart U R Dead
Serverd By ShayariStatus Different Phases of a man: After engagement: Superman After Marriage: Gentleman After 10 years: Watchman After 20 years: Doberman
Serverd By ShayariStatus There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it.
Serverd By ShayariStatus Prospective husband: Do you have a book called ‘Man, The Master of Women’? Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
Serverd By ShayariStatus When do you congratulate someone for their Mistake? Answer : On their Wedding !!
Serverd By ShayariStatus On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St.
Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer…
for a couple of months. While they waited,
they discussed the pros and cons.
If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married,
what with the eternal aspect of it all? ‘What if it doesn’t work?
Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?’ Another month passed.
St. Peter finally returned,
looking somewhat bedraggled. ‘Yes,’ he informed the couple, ‘You can get married in Heaven. ‘Great!’
said the couple ‘But we were just wondering;
what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.
‘OH, COME ON!!!’ St. Peter shouted. ‘It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer???
Serverd By ShayariStatus A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he’d go to church on Sunday and sit at the back.
During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back.
The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
‘Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost.
But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.’
The minister said, ‘Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach ‘Thou shall not steal,’ that changed your heart?’
The man responded, ‘No, it was the one on adultery.
When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.’
funny jokes in english
New English Jokes
Serverd By ShayariStatus What’s the opposite of ‘Dominoes’??? Tired of thinking??? Well the answer is ‘Domi doesn’t know’
Serverd By ShayariStatus Whats the opposite of ‘Pizza Hut’ Okei don’t kill me ‘Pizza Hutna mat’
Serverd By ShayariStatus Whats the opposite of Go pala krishnan? Come pala krishnan.
Serverd By ShayariStatus One day a man calls his wife from his IDEA mobile,
his call gets cross connected to some other lady.
They still keep on talking. They start liking each other. And finally they get married.
What MORAL do u get??? An IDEA can change your wife.
Serverd By ShayariStatus A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The man says, ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy – ‘I have a baseball.’
Man – ‘That’s nice.’
Boy – ‘Want to buy it?’
Man – ‘No, thanks.’
Boy – ‘My dad’s outside.’
Man – ‘OK, how much?’
Boy – ‘$250’
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
‘Boy – ‘Dark in here.’
Man – ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy – ‘I have a baseball glove.’
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’
Boy – ‘$750’
Man – ‘Fine.’
A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‘Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.’
The boy says, ‘I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.’
The father asks, ‘How much did you sell them for?’
Boy – ‘$1,000’
The father says, ‘That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.’
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit again….’
Serverd By ShayariStatus Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: ‘my friend is dead! What can i do?’
The operator says: ‘calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘Ok, now what?’
Serverd By ShayariStatus An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a Indian.
He immediately turns to the Indian and makes his move.
‘You know,’ says the American to the Indian,
‘I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.’
The Indian, who had just opened his book, closes it slowly and says to the American guy,
‘What would you like to discuss?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ says the guy,
smiling. ‘How about nuclear power?’
‘OK,’ says the Indian. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff — grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets,
the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?’
The American guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies,
‘I haven’t the slightest idea.’
‘So tell me,’ says the Indian,
‘How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?’
Serverd By ShayariStatus Bride’s Dad hands a note to the groom: ‘Goods delivered are not returnable.’ Groom gave another note back to father: ‘Contract void if seal is broken.’
Serverd By ShayariStatus What advice does the doctor give to sick prostitutes? Stay out of BED for two days.
Serverd By ShayariStatus What’s the similarity between MOBILE and MARRIAGE ? In both case you feel ‘aur thoda ruk jata to accha model milta’
funny jokes in english
Funny Chutkule In English
Serverd By ShayariStatus Man runs home shouting: Pack your bags darling. I just won the 10 Million lotto.
Wife : Do I pack for the beach or mountains ?
Man : Who cares ? Just pack and go back to your mother!
Serverd By ShayariStatus I wrote your name on sand, it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
I wrote your name on my heart, And I got a heart attack.
Serverd By ShayariStatus God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
Serverd By ShayariStatus IT IS NOT NICE TO MAKE FUN OF SENIOR CITIZENS – YOU MIGHT JUST HAPPEN TO BE ONE.
Serverd By ShayariStatus Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’
Serverd By ShayariStatus An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’
Serverd By ShayariStatus Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’
he asks. ‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure.’ ‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’
she asks. ‘No, I can remember it.’ ‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’
she asks. Irritated,
he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the Kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. ‘Where’s my toast?’
Serverd By ShayariStatus A man was telling his neighbor,
‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art.
It’s perfect.’ ‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’ ‘Twelve thirty.’
Serverd By ShayariStatus Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
‘You’re really doing great,
aren’t you?’ Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said,
Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” The doctor said,
‘I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
Serverd By ShayariStatus A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
funny jokes in english
New Jokes In English For Facebook
Serverd By ShayariStatus Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked.
‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother,
who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’
Serverd By ShayariStatus The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, ‘Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’
Little Johnny quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’
Serverd By ShayariStatus Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman.
‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’ Little Johnny asked, ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?’
Serverd By ShayariStatus Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’
His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.’
Serverd By ShayariStatus Two men met while both were looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5’7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes.
What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Let’s find yours!!
Serverd By ShayariStatus Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death. Wife says, ‘If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends’.
Serverd By ShayariStatus What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress
Serverd By ShayariStatus Husband asks , ‘Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
‘Without Information Fighting Everytime’
Wife replies,’ No, It means , ‘With Idiot For Ever!!!’
Serverd By ShayariStatus Teacher: you know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.
Serverd By ShayariStatus Women asked man who is traveling with six children,
all these kids are yours???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
funny jokes in english
Adult Jokes In English
Serverd By ShayariStatus Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, I’m confident.
Your friend is also my son, that’s confidential!
Serverd By ShayariStatus What are the three fastest ways of communication?
Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
Serverd By ShayariStatus
A for apple.
B for bada apple.
C for chota apple.
D for dusra apple.
E for ek aur apple.
F for fokat ka apple.
G for gol apple.
H for ho gaya na pet kharab khake itne apple.
Serverd By ShayariStatus The positive thinking poem.
Little birdy in the sky, You look up and it shits in your eye. You don’t mind and you don’t cry, You just thank God that cows don’t fly.
Serverd By ShayariStatus What do u call a fat woman waiting?
Serverd By ShayariStatus Ind PM : We are sending INDIANs to moon next year!
Obama : WOW! How many?
PM : 100. 35 OBC, 25 SC, 20 ST, 10 Handicpd,5 Sports person, 4 minority and if possible, 1 ASTRONAUT
Serverd By ShayariStatus TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America…
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered North America ?
Serverd By ShayariStatus TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
Serverd By ShayariStatus TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Serverd By ShayariStatus TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
funny status in english
Teacher/Doctor Jokes In English
Serverd By ShayariStatus TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me!
Serverd By ShayariStatus TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
Serverd By ShayariStatus TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I.
‘ MILLIE: I is…
Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’ MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
Serverd By ShayariStatus TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
Serverd By ShayariStatus TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly,
do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
Serverd By ShayariStatus TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s… Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
Serverd By ShayariStatus TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher
Serverd By ShayariStatus Attending a wedding for the first time,
a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’
The child thought about this for a moment then said, ‘So why is the groom wearing black?’
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