Gardening Jokes, Puns, Riddles, Humor, Witticisms

Gardening Jokes, Puns, Riddles, Humor, Witticisms

For Gardeners and Lovers of the Green Way

Compiled by Karen and Mike Garofalo


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«The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes.  And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig.»
—  Texas Bix Bender, Don’t Throw in the Trowel  


Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.


My wife’s a water sign.  I’m an earth sign.
Together we make mud.
—  Rodney Dangerfield


What do you get if you divide the circumference 
of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.


How do you lead a horse to water?
With lots of carrots.


«I do not like broccoli.  And I haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I’m President of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.»
—  George Bush, U.S. President, 1990  


Why do cowboys always die with their boots on?
So they won’t stub their toes when they kick the bucket.


What do you call a stolen yam?
A hot potato. 


«A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.»
—  Doug Larson


Everyone has these on their face?


How many beans does it take to make bean soup?
I don’t know.
It takes 239 beans.
Because, if you added one more bean it would makethe soup «two farty.»   


«I have no plants in my house.  They won’t live for me.  Some of them don’t even wait to die, they commit suicide.»
—  Jerry Seinfeld  


Why did the horse go behind the tree?
To change his jockeys. 


What vegetable can tie your stomach in knots? 
String beans. 


«What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I’m feeling beet.»
—  Shel Silverstein


The Gardener’s Gripe Book
Garden Lunacy: A Growing Concern
Garden Lunacy: A Growing Concern
Diary of a Wannabe Gardener
You Bet Your Tomatoes: Fun Facts, Tall Tales, and a Handful of Useful Gardening Tips


The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.


A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down.  During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, «May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!»   A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.  Lo and behold, it’s a completely different place.  The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.  «Amazing!» the preacher says. «Look what God and you have accomplished together!»  «Yes, reverend,» says the farmer, «but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!»


God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.  


«My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.»
—  Buddy Hackett


What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose.


A toddler who was found chewing on a slug.  After the initial surge of disgust the parent said, «Well, what does it taste like?»  «Worms,» was the reply.



Why are husbands like lawn mowers? 
They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells, and don’t work half the time.  


«What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it.»
—  Charles Dudley Warner


How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store. 
You prefer gardening to watching television. 
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks. 
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride. 


Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, its cold out here. 


What do you call two young married spiders?
Newly webs.  


«What does the letter «A» have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them.»
—  Kim Roblin  


«How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value.»
—  Marshall Elizer


Hard work doesn’t harm anyone, but I do not want to take any chances. 


What was green and a great trick shooter?
Annie Okra 


«Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again.»
—  Henry Beard


«Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes.  Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face.»
—  Teresa Watkins 


«Gardening requires lots of water — most of it in the form of perspiration.»
—  Lou Erickson   


«No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut.»
—  Channing Pollack 


White Trash Gardening
Good Grief! Gardening is Hard Work! (Peanuts Gang)
A Funny Year in the Garden: Gardening Cartoons by Chris Madden
The Beetless’ Gardening Book: An Organic Gardening Songbook/Guidebook: Containing the Poetry of Jam Lemon, Pear Machete, Joychoi Heirloom, and Rutabaga Variety
The Crazy World of Gardening


How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging . . . Doggy see, doggy do.


What gets bigger the more you take away?
A hole.  


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?



Remember that gophers also need to make a living; preferably in somebody else’s garden.
When all the chores are done, the avid gardener will invent new ones.
Your dog will always shit near your favorite garden seat.
Knee: a device for finding rocks in your garden.
Gardening is a Sport.  Hoe for It!
Never underestimate the power of those that like things neat and tidy.
I once read about the dangers of gardening, so I quit reading for two weeks.
If you need five tools to solve a problem in the garden, four of them will be easy to find.
—  Mike Garofalo, Pulling Onions 


Why is a barn so noisy?
All the cows have horns. 


Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.


The real meaning of plant catalog terminology:
«A favorite of birds» means to avoid planting near cars, sidewalks, or clotheslines.
«Grows more beautiful each year» means «Looks like roadkill for the foreseeable future.»
«Zone 5 with protection» is a variation on the phrase «Russian roulette.»
«May require support» means your daughter’s engineering degree will finally pay off.
«Moisture-loving» plants are ideal for landscaping all your bogs and swamps.
«Carefree» refers more to the plant’s attitude than to your workload.
«Vigorous» is code for «has a Napoleonic compulsion to take over the world.»
«Grandma’s Favorite» — until she discovered free-flowering, disease-resistant hybrids.


What did the banana do when it saw the monkeys?


A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won’t ripen.  There’s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she’s getting tired of it.  So she goes to her neighbor and says, «Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?»  Her neighbor replies, «Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off.  Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.»  Well, what the heck?   She does it.  The next day her neighbor asks how it worked.  «So-so,» she answers,  «The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.»


From a church bulletin:  «Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale.  It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring you husbands.» 


What is a Honeymoon Salad?
Lettuce alone, with no dressing. 


«A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of.»   
—  T.H. Everett  


A Veggie New Age Song:
Peas would rule the planets,
and love would clear the bars.
It was the dawning of the Age of Asparagus.


«Like a prune, you are not getting any better looking, but you are getting sweeter.»
—   N. D. Stice 


«You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think.»
—  Dorothy Parker  


My wife said that if I buy any more plants he would leave me.
Damn!  I’m going to miss that woman.  


Don’t Throw in the Trowel: Tips and Quips on Gardening
Garden Madness: The Unpruned Truth About a Blooming Passion
Clichés and One-Liners for Gardeners
You Know You’re a Gardening Fanatic When…
Gin and Tonic Gardener: Confessions of a Reformed Compulsive Gardener


Grow your own dope, plant a man.  


If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong? 


«Yup, gardening and laughing are two of the best things in life you can do to promote good health and a sense of well being.» 
—  David Hobson 


What’s red and invisible?
No tomatoes. 


«Annuals» mean disappointment once a year.
Your lawn is always slightly bigger than your desire to mow it.
Whichever garden tool you want is always at the back of the shed.
The only way to ensure rain, is to give the garden a good soaking.
Weeds grow at precisely the rate you pull them out.
Nothing ever looks like it does on the seed packet.
Autumn follows summer, winter follows autumn, drought follows planting.
The only way to guarantee some color all year round is to buy a garden gnome.
However bare the lawn, grass will appear in the cracks between the patio paving stones.
Evergreens go a funny shade of brown in the winter.


When’s Honeydew? The Thyme’s getting on.


I think, therefore I Yam.
—  Ratbert


Have you heard of the garlic diet?
You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner. 


«I bought an ant farm.  I don’t know where I am going to get a tractor that small!»
—  Steven Wright 


What what can you make from baked beans and onions?
Tear gas.  


Where do apples love to take a vacation?


What do you call a grumpy and short tempered gardener?
A SnapDragon.
[Karen, my wife, answered «Mike!»]


«Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.»
—  Doug Larson  


«I have a rock garden.  Last week three of them died.»
—  Richard Diran 


What kind of flowers do you give to King Tut?


Why did the gardener quit?
Because his celery wasn’t high enough. 


«I’m Charley’s aunt from Brazil — where the nuts come from.»
—  Brandon Thomas



Boy:  Noise with dust on it.
Chickens:  The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Dust:  Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Mosquito:  An insect that makes you like flies better.
Raisin:  A grape with a sunburn. 
Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.


Diary of a Mad Gardener
Pulling Onions: Oddball Reflections of an Old Gardener
Gardening Wit
The Grumpy Gardener’s Handbook
Little Book of Alternative Garden Wisdom


When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.  If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.  



What would we have called the color orange if it wasn’t a fruit?
Why does cleave mean both split apart and stick together?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If corn oil comes from corn, what does baby oil come from?


«A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.»
—  James Dent


«You’ll never get me up in one of those!» declared the caterpillar to the butterfly.


Where did the vegetables go to have a few drinks?
The Salad Bar.


How to Support this Website


What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks and is the life of the party?
A fun-gi.


«Why don’t you ever iron a four-leaf clover?
You might press your luck.»
—  Elaine Valvezan


What lives in winter, dies in summer,
and grows with its root upward?
An icicle.


Wanted:  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.


Heart Beet
Do you carrot at all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face.
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry.
Weed make a swell pear.
—  A Rocket in My Pocket: Rhymes and Chants of Young Americans


«After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.»
—  Murphy’s Laws


People are like Potatoes!   

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are content to watch others …
They are called «Speck Tators.

Some are always looking to cause problems and really get under your skin …
They are called «Aggie Tators.»

There are those who are always saying they will, but somehow, they never get around to doing 
We call them «Hezzie Tators.»  
—  From the laughalot-owner on the Net

Some folks spent a lot of time sitting and peering into their garden … 
They are called «Medi Tators.» 

There are those that try to maximize their crop yields while reducing expenses …  
We call them «Compu Tators.»
—  Mike Garofalo


«I guess cows aren’t into the four food groups,
especially when they are two of them.»
—  Anthony Clark


The Ultimate Guide to Good Clean Humor: Your Resource for Good Clean Fun (Ultimate Guide Series)
Forever, Erma: Best-Loved Writing From America’s Favorite Humorist
The Grass Is Always Greener over the Septic Tank  
Clichés and One-Liners for Gardeners
Pretty Good Joke Book (Prairie Home Companion)


Crikey it’s chilli in here. Let’s turnip the heat.


If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator. 


What do you call it when worms take over the world?
Global Worming.


«There’s one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor’s.»
—  Clyde Moore  


How well is your garden growing?
Only thyme will tell. 


You Might be a Redneck Gardener If:
You mow your lawn and find a wheelbarrow.
A half moon reminds you of your fat husband pulling weeds.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it is yellow.
Kudzu covers your arbor.
You don’t water your front yard rather than mow it.
You know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold.
You’ve ever cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
You empty the trash when you have enough to fill up the pickup. 
You can amuse yourself for more that an hour with a hose.
You’ve been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower. 
You move your weed-eater to take a bath.
—  Culled and Revised by Mike Garofalo


«When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?»
—  Lucy Parker


What kind of tree has hands?
A palm tree.


What do you call a cow  who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.



A Riddle: 
There was a green house.
Inside the green house there was a white house
Inside the white house there was a red house.
Inside the red house there were lots of babies.
Answer:  A Watermelon.


Botany I — Some Wrong Answers:
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.


Women are like fine wine.  They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
—  Soured Male Author Unknown 


Bean thinking how up-beet I am from all the peas and love in the world.


«I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn.»
—  C.E. Cowman


«What vegetable might you find in your basement?
—  Emily Kianka


What is green and goes to a summer camp?
A Brussels’ scout.


What do you get when you cross a canary and a lawn mower?
Shredded tweet.


I left a packed of seeds in my pocket and my coat turned into a Chia jacket. 


Why did the Golden Delicious go to jail?
Because he was a rotten apple. 


Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.


«Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing «Embraceable You» in spats.»
—  Woody Allen


Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corney. 


What kind of flowers grow in outer space?
Ipomoea alba, Helianthus annuus, Pentas lanceolata, and Cosmos
[Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, Cosmos]


Do you want to hear a gruesome story?
A farmer planted a pumpkin seed.
He watered it and cared for it very well,
and soon it grew some, and grew some ….


«When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you’d unzip your pants.»
—   Mike Garofalo, Cuttings — July  


Whether the weather be cold
Or whether the weather be hot
Whatever the weather
We’ll weather the weather
Whether we like it or not.


What do you get if you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.


I’m a gardener and I’m OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing, and hang around with slugs.
Oh I’m happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.


«March isn’t the only thing that’s in like a lion and out like a lamb.»
—  May West


If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?



Months and Seasons
Quotes, Poems, Sayings, Verses, Lore, Myths, Holidays
Celebrations, Folklore, Reading, Links, Quotations
Information, Weather, Gardening Chores



















A man walks into a flower shop «I’d like some flowers please.»
«Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?»
He shrugs «Well I’m not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh…»
«Perhaps I could help.  What exactly have you done?»


A magical tractor was driving down the road and it turned into a field. 


«I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.»
—  Rita Rudner 


Clear indications that you have too much Zucchini:
Your neighbor finds them every morning in his mailbox.
You are eating it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, snacks too.
You have a flute made out of a Zucchini.
The stores pay you to take some off their shelves.
Even the field mice stop eating it.
You till under the Zucchini plants, but still have more today than you had yesterday.
Nightmares about a giant Zucchini wakes you in the night.
Your kids are using it for building blocks.
You spray your zucchini plants with sugar water to attract insects. But, they won’t bite.


Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you want to come out tonight?


«Door: What a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.»
—  Ogden Nash


«Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.»
—  Lewis Mumford


«Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.»
—  Dave Barry


Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup.  After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.  He called the waitress over and said, «It’s all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked.»  The waitress said, «You ordered vegetable soup, maybe it has a leek in it.»


Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields. 


It has been so dry this week,
the trees are whistling for the dogs.


Newspaper headline: Dog attacks topiary cat.


What is the difference between boogers and spinach?
You can’t get your kids to eat spinach.


How did the tomato court the corn?
He whispered sweet nothings into her ear. 


Don’t force it; get a larger hammer.
Anthony’s Law of Force


Two older ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.  One leaned over and said, «Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I’d take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!»   «You’re on!» said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.  As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.  Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. «What happened?»  asked her waiting friend. «Why, I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement.»


My mother-in-law grows a great patch of potatoes.  In fact, to get them off to a good start, she plants each seed potato in a small paper bag.  It keeps the dirt out of their eyes.


What do you call it when someone commits murder with an apple?
Malus Aforethought!


Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.


«The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden.»
—  Ray D. Everson


What do you get if you cross a dog with a daisy?
A colli-flower. 


What vegetable do you need a plumber for?
A Leek.


What insect is musical?
A humbug.


«Hoeing: A manual method of severing roots from stems of newly planted flowers and vegetables.»
—  Henry Beard


Does a Bok bring you Choy?  Then Lettuce all smile.


Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You’re such a Tomato,
Will you Peas to me belong?
You’ve been the Apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together,
We’d make a perfect Pear.
Now, something’s sure to Turnip,
To prove you can’t be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me
Let’s let our Tulips meet.
Don’t Squash my hopes and dreams now,
Bee my Honey, dear;
Or tears will fill Potato’s eyes,
While Sweet Corn lends an ear.
I’ll Cauliflower shop and say
Your dreams are Parsley mine.
I’ll work and share my Celery,
So be my Valentine.


What runs but never gets tired?


How do you stop moles from digging in your garden?
Take away their shovels. 

If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?


«Vegetarians — nothing wrong with vegetarians. Some of my best friends are vegetarians. Admittedly, they’re also quadrupeds.»
—  Peter Anderton


«Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison.»
—  Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary   


What’s the gardeners favorite novel?
War and Peas. 


Why do melons have fancy weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.


A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.  The flowers arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card: «Rest in Peace.»  The owner was annoyed, and called to complain.  «Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, and sorry you were offended,» said the florist. «But even worse, somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, «Congratulations on your new location.»
Flower Jokes


What do you call a country where the people drive only pink cars?
A pink carnation.


«At the end of the row
I stepped on the toe
Of an unemployed hoe.
It rose in offense
And struck me a blow
In the seat of my sense.
It wasn’t to blame
But I called it a name.
And I must say it dealt
Me a blow that I felt
Like a malice prepense.
You may call me a fool,
But was there a rule
The weapon should be
Turned into a tool?
And what do we see?
The first tool I step on
Turned into a weapon.»
—  Robert Frost, The Objection to Being Stepped On


Your nose is the scenter of your face.


Grass is just a flower bed in waiting. 


«Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.»
—  Langston Hughes


Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap.  Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.


«Men are like a fine wine.  They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d want to have dinner with.»
—  Female Author Unknown


«Your first job is to prepare the soil.  The best tool for this is your neighbor’s motorized garden tiller.  If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.»
—  Dave Barry  


«Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start.»
—  E.W. Howe 


One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house. 


«Your first job is to prepare the soil.  The best tool for this is your neighbor’s motorized garden tiller.  If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.»
—  Dave Barry


I turnip my nose at the lack of legume in economy class flying… too marrow.


Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad


Gardening Palindrome:
Mister owl ate my metal worm.


My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower.  It told him he could; if he did not take it our of my yard. 


What did Santa Claus say when he walked through a garden?
Hoe!  Hoe!  Hoe!


A woman asks her neighbor, «can I borrow your lawnmower?»
Her neighbor says, «No, he’s not home yet» 


The cat was hoist on his own petard
while swinging from trees in the yard
he did many tricks
even pausing for licks
but got hung out on his own leotard


What did the grape say when it got trodden on?
Nothing.  It just gave a little w(h)ine. 


«Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate.»
—  Sandra Boynton


Dijon Vu — the same mustard as before.
My wife works over-thyme in her herb garden before she decides it is time to cummin.
Practice safe eating — always use condiments.
Don’t expect a bonsai tree to grow the miniature planting it.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I will cut the grass only when I get mowtivated.
When the going gets tough, the tough get growin’. 
The research assistant couldn’t experiment with plants because he hadn’t botany.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Old gardeners never die they just vegetate.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Gardeners like to plant their feet firmly. 
By the time you find greener pastures, you can’t climb over the fence. 
If you’re a gardener you might call yourself a ‘plant manager’. 

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.


What is small, red and whispers? 
A hoarse radish.


What sort of animal is a slug?
A snail with a housing problem. 


What’s green and walks through walls? 
Casper the friendly cucumber.


New gardeners learn by trowel and error. 


Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married and had a little sweet potato, which they called ‘Yam.’  Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. 
    When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.  They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’ and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.  Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either.  She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
    When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland, and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.  Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, ‘Frito Lay.’ 
    Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that’s Potato University) so that when she graduated she’d really be in the Chips.  Yet, in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.  Tom Brokaw!  Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.  They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he’s just a commentator


«By the time you find greener pastures, you can’t climb over the fence.
A tomato in the hand is worth two on the vine.
When the going gets tough, the tough get growin’.
I garden, therefore I weed.
God blesses my garden, but he doesn’t weed it!
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
I never met a pumpkin I didn’t like.»
—  Jack O. Lantern


Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list. 


The elementary school cook prided herself on the healthy meals she provided with lots of vegetables and fruits. When the power failed one day, the cook couldn’t serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, «It’s about time. At last, a home-cooked meal!»


Four score and seven seasons ago, our Fore-Farmers brought forth upon this continent, a new Pumpkin, conceived in  the garden, and dedicated to the proposition that no two pumpkins are created equal.
    Now we are engaged in a great civil contest, testing whether Atlantic Giants, or any other Prize Winner pumpkins so conceived and so enormous, can break all records. We are met in a great pumpkin-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that pumpkin patch, as a final resting place for those who gave their lives that that Atlantic Giant might thrive. It is altogether fitting and proper that we do this.
    But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate-we can not consecrate- we can not hallow-this ground. The brave growers, living and dead, who have struggled here, have fertilized it, far above our our poor power to add or detract soil amendments.  The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what we grew here. It is for us the fanatic growers, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who attempted to grow the record winner here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us pumpkin lovers to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us- that from these honored Atlantic Giants we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave their last full measure of growth- that we growers here highly resolve that these pumpkins shall not have grown in vain- that this pumpkin patch, under God, shall have a new birth of seedlings- and that the World Pumpkin Confederation of the growers, by the growers and for the growers, shall not perish from the earth.  


Why did the bananna go to the doctor?
Because she was not peeling well. 


An advertisement for ant poison states «Will kill ants for 3 months.»
How do those ants come back to life?  



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The Spirit of Gardening Website

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Last Updated: April 10, 2011 
This webpage was first posted online in February of 2000. 

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