Yes, I drink a lot of brake fluid. But I can stop anytime!
I asked a guy from North Korea how things were. He told me, «I can’t complain!»
I sleep in my fireplace, ’cause I sleep like a log!
My girlfriend has just left me saying I spend too much time devoted to my studies of Roman Numerals. I’m L I V I D.
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste. (thanks to Tim Garcia)
It’s Christmas morning and as the little boy comes down the stairway, he sees his Dad in his nightshirt arranging presents under the tree. «Hi Dad! Who’s getting the bagpipes?» (thanks to Julian Jinjur, Esq.)
If you have diarrhea, never trust a fart. (thanks to Staci McWilliams)
What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. (thanks to Bonnie Zelenka)
Why can’t you get cell phone service when you’re naked? No shirt, no shoes, no service. (thanks to Shane Keating)
What do dwarves use to cut their pizza? Little Caesars. (thanks to Tim Garcia)
A farmer wants to know how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his border collie to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them and runs back to the farmer. The farmer says, «How many?» The dog says, «40.» The farmer is surprised and says, «How can there be 40 — I only bought 38!» The dog says, «I rounded them up.»
Caffeine is proof that God loves us and wants us to pay attention.
The Lenscrafter technician got his tie caught in the machine and he made a spectacle of himself. (thanks to Raymond Yos)
If it wasn’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all. (thanks to Larry the K)
Where does virgin wool come from? Ugly sheep? (thanks to Larry the K)
I’ve got some Carefree gum, but it hasn’t kicked in yet. I’m worried. (thanks to Tim Garcia)
If you’re killed by a wild pig, does that mean you were boared to death? (thanks to Jeff Dudley)
Walking can add minutes to your life. That enables you at 85 to spend an additional 5 months in the nursing home at $7,000 per month. (thanks to Kay Young)
Marriage isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. I’ve run a marathon, and I was happy when it was over!
Quasimodo is sitting in the kitchen when his mother comes in, carrying a wok. He says, «I love Chinese food!». Quasimodo’s mother says, «No, I’m going to use this to iron your shirts!» (thanks to Julian Jinjur, Esq.)
It’s always I before E. Isn’t that weird?
I ordered a honeymoon salad. It’s lettuce, alone. (thanks to Larry the K)
Mexican firefighters are always paired up — Jose and Hose B. (thanks to Kartik Jaggi)
Politicians should serve two terms. One in office, one in prison. (thanks to Dan Althof)
If you want more time, wear more watches. (thanks to Dan North)
If you give someone a piece of your mind, are you left with peace of mind? (thanks to Celine McConville)
A sign in a store read «Only sightseeing dogs allowed». I wonder if you put a Hawaiian shirt and a camera on your dog, if he could get in. (thanks to Dan North)