A guy steps into an elevator and there’s just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, «Oh, I’m so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you’ll be able to forgive me.» She looks at him a few seconds and says, «That’s all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 204.
The Philippine presidents flying in a plane.
GMA: what if I throw a check for a million pesos out the window to make at
least 1 Filipino happy?
CORY: but my dear, why don’t you throw 2 checks for half a million each and
thus make 2 Filipinos happy?
RAMOS: why not throw four checks for a quarter of a million each and make
four Filipinos happy?
And on it went until finally, Erap blurts out:
«but madam president, why not simply throw yourself out of the window and
make all the Filipinos happy?»
Why do boys walk fast and girls speak more?
Because boys have one extra leg and girls have one extra mouth.
Father : hey Son! why is your mother sitting so silent today?
Son: nothing Dad. She asked for lipstick and i heard
» GLUE STICK «
Father : God bless u son !!
Just Before Hanging, Judge Asked The
Prisoner: «Any Last Wish?»
Prisoner: Yes.. I Want To Update My Facebook Status
She had a Coca-Cola body
too bad it was the 2-Liter version.
Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio …hahahhahaa
A man carrying 6 babies in a train. A lady sitting next 2 him asked,»are these ur babies?
«No I’m a condom salesman & these are Customer Complaints..
Daughter: mom. . My boyfriend doesn’t believe in heaven and hell.
Mom: alright. . You marry your bf and let him experience heaven in you. . I’ll take care of the hell part.
A chinese lady cant speak english
at the grocery she wanted to buy beef leg, she showed her legs
next day she needed chicken breast, she showed her breast
3rd day she brought along her husband becoz she wanted sausage
what did she do?
her husband can speak english…
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it’s wide use three fingers, make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep that’s how you wash a cup.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?” Trainer replies: “Use the ATM”!
idiot guy on phone: Doctor my wife is pregnant. She is having pain right now.
Doctor: Is this her first child?
idiot guy: No this is her husband speaking.
A man buys a lie detector robot w/c slaps ppol hu lie. He decides 2 test it during dinner.
DAD: Son, where wer u 2day during skul hrs?
SON: @ School. Robot slaps son!
SON: Ok, I lied, I went 2d movies.
DAD: W/c one?
SON: Toy Story.
Robot slaps son agen!
SON: Ok, it was porn.
DAD: Wat?! Wen I ws ur age, I didn’t even know wat porn was. Robot slaps Dad!
MOM: 4giv him dear, after all he’s ur son. Robot slaps mom! hehe..
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, «Hi, is Tony home?»
The wife replies, «No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want.»
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says «You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I‘d give you a hundred buck just to see one.»
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell — a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says «That was so amazing I‘ve got to see both of them. I‘ll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together.»
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, «You know, your friend Chris came over.»
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, «Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?»..
Reporter: Any similarities between Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio and Ninoy Aquino?
Erap: All I know is that they all died during a holiday! That’s all I know…
A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word for several miles.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, dogs, and sows, the husband asks sarcastically, «Relatives of yours?»
«Yep,» the wife replied, «in-laws.»
Making Love To…
How can you tell if you’re making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won’t hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
TRIVIA: do you know how they make rubber gloves in China?
Workers deep their hands into melted latex, then air-dry them.
Now guess how they make condoms?
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:
«Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.» If he wants ***, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.»
To which his wife responds: «He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!»
my mom still thinks that LOL means lots of love.
she sent me a message saying:
Your grandad has just died, LOL
A doctor calls up his patient with his test results: «Mr. Smith I have bad news and really bad news.»
Mr Smith says: «Well, I‘ll take the bad news first.»
Doctor says: «You only have 24 hours to live.»
Mr. Smith cries and says: «Well what could be even worse than that»
Doctor: «I forgot to call you yesterday.»