ESL Humor — Jokes for English Language Learners


Friday, December 03, 2004

 

ESL Joke of the Day — Oxymorons

An oxymoron is a figure of speach in which opposite or contradictory ideas or terms are combined. The result can sometimes be quite funny. Here are some examples:

  • Act naturally
  • Happily married
  • Microsoft Works
  • Holy war
  • Found missing
  • Resident alien
  • Military intelligence
  • Minor catastrophe
  • Affordable housing
  • Near miss
  • Great depression
  • Canadian army
  • Phone sex
  • United nations
  • Advanced BASIC
  • Genuine imitation
  • Death benefits
  • Airline Food
  • Women’s rights
  • Good grief
  • Same difference
  • Almost exactly
  • Sensitive man
  • Government organization
  • Everything except
  • Civil War
  • Good kid
  • Sanitary landfill
  • Alone together
  • Legally drunk
  • Silent scream
  • British fashion
  • Living dead
  • Small crowd
  • Business ethics
  • Soft rock
  • Butt Head
  • Military Intelligence
  • Software documentation
  • New York culture
  • New classic
  • Sweet sorrow
  • Child proof
  • «Now, then»
  • Synthetic natural gas
  • Christian Scientists
  • Passive aggressive
  • Taped live
  • Clearly misunderstood
  • Peace force
  • Extinct Life
  • Temporary tax increase
  • New and improved
  • Computer jock
  • Plastic glasses
  • Terribly pleased
  • Computer security
  • Political science
  • Tight slacks
  • Definite maybe
  • Pretty ugly
  • Twelve-ounce pound cake
  • Diet ice cream
  • Rap music
  • Working vacation
  • Exact estimate
  • Religious tolerance
  • Freezer Burn
  • Honest Politician
  • Jumbo Shrimp
  • Loners Club
  • Postal Service

Know any good jokes?
Feel free to make a contributio to blabberwocky@vec.ca

For more English language resources, see the Vancouver English Centre site.
Vancouver English Centre
http://www.vec.ca

Thursday, December 02, 2004

 

ESL Joke of the Day — Most Wanted Man

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. «Yes,» said the policeman. «The detectives want him very badly.»

So Little Johnny asked, «Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?»

Know any good jokes?
Feel free to make a contributio to blabberwocky@vec.ca

For more English language resources, see the Vancouver English Centre site.
Vancouver English Centre
http://www.vec.ca

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

 

ESL Joke of the Day — A Lecture about English

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. «In English,» he said, «A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.»

A voice from the back of the room piped up, «Yeah, right.»

Don’t understand the joke? «Yeah, right.» is a slang expression which actually means «I don’t think so.» Technically, however, it is a double positive, which proves the professor wrong.

Know any good jokes?
Feel free to make a contributio to blabberwocky@vec.ca

For more English language resources, see the Vancouver English Centre site.
Vancouver English Centre
http://www.vec.ca

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

 

ESL Joke of the Day — Surprise Ending

This joke has a surprise at the end.Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked the clerk, «I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does this cost?»

«Just one kiss per yard, » replied the smirking male clerk.

«That’s fine,» replied the girl. «I’ll take five yards.»

With expectation and anticipation showing all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl took the package, smiled a big smile at the clerk, and then pointed to an old man standing next to her. «Grandpa will pay the bill! Goodbye!» she laughed and walked away.

Did you get the joke? The clerk expected to get a kiss from the girl but the girl asked her Grandfather to kiss him instead.

Know any good jokes?
Feel free to make a contributio to blabberwocky@vec.ca

For more English language resources, see the Vancouver English Centre site.
Vancouver English Centre
http://www.vec.ca

Monday, November 29, 2004

 

ESL Joke of the Day — Punctuation

This joke shows how important punctuation can be. As you can see below, a comma and an exclamation mark can completely change the meaning.

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: «woman without her man is nothing». The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: «Woman, without her man, is nothing.»

The women wrote: «Woman! Without her, man is nothing.»

Know any good jokes?
Feel free to make a contributio to blabberwocky@vec.ca

For more English language resources, see the Vancouver English Centre site.
Vancouver English Centre
http://www.vec.ca

Friday, November 26, 2004

 

ESL Joke of the Day — Coffee Grounds

This joke makes a play on words, changing their normal meaning to create humor. A customer ordered some coffee in a café. The waiter arrived with the coffee. and placed it on the table. After a few moments, the customer called for the waiter.

‘Waiter,’ he said. ‘There’s dirt in my coffee!’

‘That’s not surprising, Sir,’ replied the waiter. ‘It was ground only half-an-hour ago.’

Know any good jokes? Feel free to make a contribution.

Blabberwocky

For more English language resources, see the Vancouver English Centre site.
Vancouver English Centre
http://www.vec.ca

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