englishman jokes

What do you call an englishman with an IQ of 50?

Colonel sir!!

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Sign on an english Dust-cart:  SATISFACTION GUARANTEED OR TWICE YOUR RUBBISH BACK.

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They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke.  The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

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What is the difference between an Englishman and his photograph?

The photograph is fully developed!

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An Englishman asked an Irishman to show him the biggest building in an Irish town.

«There it is now» said the Irishman, «isn’t it a fine structure entirely?»

«Is that your biggest building?» asked the Englishman.

«Why back in England we have buildings over a hundred times the size of that!»

«I’m not surprised,» said the Irishman,»that’s the local lunatic asylum.»

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An Englishman was being shown all over the Niagara Falls for the first time.

«Isn’t it something?» said his American guide, waiting for a reaction.

«Runs all night too, I suppose,» said the Englishman.

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English secretary to her boss:

«that letter you asked me to type double spaced, do you want the carbon copy double spaced as well?»

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What’s the best thing that ever happened between England and Ireland?

the Irish Sea!

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After the Oxford-Cambridge boat race the mother of one of the losing crew was consoling her son.

«Never mind dear,» she told him,» you were wonderful, you rowed faster than anyone else in your boat.»

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Never ask a foreigner where he is from.  If he is not english he will tell you within a few minutes, and if he is English, why embarrass him?

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An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.

«Would you like one with a plug?» asked the assistant.

«Don’t tell me they’ve gone electric,»said the Englishman.

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Have you heard about the thrill seeking Englishman?  

He ate his After eight mints at half-past seven!

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Have you heard about the Englishman who bought a grandfather clock?

He sat by the clock every hour waiting for the grandfather to come out and tell him the time!

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Announcement at a London Airport:-

Will the gentleman who left his hearing aid aboard flight 173 from Paris, please call at the information desk.

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Question…is an Englishman who takes a bath every day very clean or very dirty?

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First Englishman:  «What was the final score in the match this afternoon?»

Second Englishman: «Nil-Nil».

First Englishman:»What was the score at half-time?»

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Did you hear about the Englishman who told his chauffeur to drive over a cliff?  He wanted to commit suicide!

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Have you heard about the Englishman who thought the world’s most famous inventor was an Irishman called Pat Pending?

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A welshman was telling an Englishman an Irishman joke,»Its about a letter written by an Irishman said as a P.S.»If you can’t read this letter take it to the Parish Priest’s house and he will read it for you.»

After a few minutes the Englishman burst into laughter saying,»of course I get the joke now!  What if the Parish Priest were out?!

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