Englische Witze / The best English jokes

Eine Sammlung der besten Englischen Witze – Britischer Humor vom Feinsten.

I’ve Had A Course In First Aid

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, „It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.“

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, „When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.“

 

The Camels

The little camel asks his mother: Mum why do we have these big humps?
Because in these hump there is some water and in the hot desert we can drink.
And mum. Why do we have this large fur?
Because the dessert at night is so cold and then we don’t feel cold.
And mum. Why do we got these big hoofs.
Because the desert the sand is hot and the hoofs save us from the hot sand.
But mum. What the fuck are we doing here in the national zoo?

 

School

Teacher: „You missed school yesterday didn’t you?“ Pupil: „Not very much!“

Flat Tire

Three students had an important exam coming up. They decided to party instead of preparing themselves. On the day of the exam they showed up telling the teacher that their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them that they could have one more day to study. That evening, the boys studied all night long until they were sure that they knew just about everything.
When they arrived at school the next morning, they were told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. As each sat down, they read the first question:For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be easy. Then, the test continued:For 95 points, tell me which tire it was.

 

Don’t Pee In The Pool

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. „You’re not allowed to pee in the pool!“ yells the lifeguard. „But everyone pees in the pool,“ said Little Johnny. „Maybe,“ said the lifeguard, „but not from the diving board!“

 

The Chauffeur

One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, „Why don’t you let me drive for ones.“
The driver thinks to him self, „Well I can’t say no to this guy, he’s the pope.“ So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, „slow down a bit, you might get pulled over.“
The Pope says, „Ahhh, don’t worry about it, I’m the Pope.“ So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, „Oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute.“
The Pope says, „Sure.“ The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, „Guys I just pulled over some one really important.“

They ask who, „The President?.“
„No more important.“
„The president of another country.“
„No more important.“
„An ambassador.“
„No even more important.“
„Well who is it.“
„I don’t know, but the Pope is the chauffeur.“

 

Mud

Mother:“ Keep that dog out of the house. It is covered in mud“
Kevin:“Keep out of the house, little dog. It is covered in mud“

 

Be Quiet

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
„But officer,“ the man began, „I can explain…“
„Just be quiet,“ snapped the officer. „I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.“
„But, officer, I just wanted to say…,“
„And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!“
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, „Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.“
„Don’t count on it,“ answered the fellow in the cell. „I’m the groom.“

 

Witch

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Witch.
Witch who?
Which Witch would you like it to be?

 

The Final Exam

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

„You’re not going to have time to finish this,“ the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.
„Yes I will,“ replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

„No you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.“
The student looked incredulous and angry. „Do you know who I am?“

„No, as a matter of fact I don’t,“ replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
„Do you know who I am?“ the student asked again. „No, and I don’t care,“ replied the professor with an air of superiority.
„Good,“ replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.

 

Report Card

Little Johnny’s father said, „let me see your report card.“
Johnny replied, „I don’t have it.“
„Why not?“ His father asked.
„My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.“

 

Smack

In a train carriage there were 4 people, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a really ugly woman. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought – „That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the ugly woman, who in turn must have slapped his face“
The ugly woman thought – „That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him“.
The Frenchman thought – „That f*****g Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me“.
The Englishman thought – „I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again“.

 

Sick Most Mornings

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, „Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?“
The mother says, „It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.“
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, „Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess.“

The mother says, „Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?“
Debbie says, „No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!“

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, „Is there something wrong out there doctor?“
The doctor replies, „No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there’s no way I’m going to miss it!“

 

Hole in the Garden

Little Mary was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, „What are you up to there, Mary?“

„My goldfish died,“ replied Mary tearfully, without looking up, „and I’ve just buried him.“
The neighbor was concerned, „That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?“
Mary patted down the last heap of earth then replied, „That’s because he’s inside your cat.“

 

Completely Blind

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they’re deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, „Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?“
Jon said, „I’d be half blind.“
„That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?“
„I’d be completely blind.“ The doctor stood up, shook Jon’s hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, „What would happen if I cut off one ear?“
Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, „I’d be half blind.“
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. „What if I cut off the other ear?“
„I’d be completely blind,“ Amanpreet answered.
„Amanpreet, can you explain how you’d be *blind*?“
„My hat would fall down over my eyes.“

Twenty Dollars

„Hey, Mom,“ asked Little Johnny, „can you give me twenty dollars?“
„Certainly not!“ answered his mother.
„If you do,“ Little Johnny went on, „I’ll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.“
His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. „Well? what did he say?“
„He said, ‚Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.’“

 

Speed Trap

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: This car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes, sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
The driver’s license was valid.
Captain: Who’s car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I’ll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding, too!

 

St. Peter

Three friends – Aboriginal, Jew and Australian –  spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub. One night as they’re leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three. The next day, the publican is surprised to see the Australian – who assumed dead – walked through the door.
The Australian tells him, „Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20.“
„Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?“
„The jew’s trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it.“

 

Horn Accident

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, „I did that by accident.“
She replied, „I know that, daddy.“
He replied, „How’d you know?“
The girl said, „Because you didn’t say ‚JERK‘ afterwards!“

 

Book

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, „This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it.“
The librarian says to the other librarian, „So here is the person who took our phone book!“

 

Have You Found Jesus Yet?

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, „Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?“
The drunk looks back and says, „Yes, Preacher, I sure am.“

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
„Have you found Jesus?“ the preacher asked.
„Nooo, I didn’t!“ said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, „Now, brother, have you found Jesus?“
„Noooo, I have not, Reverend.“

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,
„Man, have you found Jesus yet?“
Gasping for air the drunk answer the preacher, „Are you sure this is where he drowned.“

 

Door To Door

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result — the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, „Ma’am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.“

 

Up Close Mystery

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, „This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.“

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, „The wife did it.“

 

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

(You need to know how „Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?“ works . . . )

A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, „Not tonight dear I have a headache.“
The man replied, „Is that your final answer“?
She said, „Yes.“
He said. „Ok, then, I’d like to phone a friend.“

 

Custody

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, „Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?“

 

Avid Golfer

This bloke is an avid golfer, actually he is a golf fanatic. He has an early booking every Saturday morning and plays all day. One Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour, there is snow mixed with the rain and an 80km/h wind is blowing. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel and finds the bad weather is set for the day. So he puts his clubs away, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife’s back, and says, „The weather out there is terrible.“ To which she replies, „Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?“

 

Driver License

The drunk driver says, „Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!“

 

Collecting Donations

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on. He said „It’s O.J. again. He’s up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations.“
„Donations!“ I said, „How much you got so far?“
He said „about ten gallons.“

 

Wife

On a rural road a state trooper pulled a man over and said: „Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?“
To which the man replied: „Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!“

 

Hang-Over

Tom wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Tom looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: „Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.“
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Tom asks, „Son, what happened last night?“
His son says, „Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.“
Confused, Tom asks, „So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?“
His son replies, „Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, „Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!“

Conclusion:
A self-induced hangover – $100.00
Broken furniture – $200.00
Breakfast – $10.00
Saying the right thing – Priceless

 

 

 

Sister

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says“ Do you know who I am?“ and the old man sips his beer and answers „Yep“.
The Devil says „Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?“
The old man looks over and says“ I’ve been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you.“

 

Dinner Speech

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said: I forgot my teeth.
The man said: No problem.
With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.
Try these – he said.

The speaker tried them.
Too loose – he said.
The man then said: I have another pair…try these.
The speaker tried them and responded: Too tight.

The man was not taken back at all. He then said: I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.
The speaker said: They fit perfectly.

With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him and said: I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.
The man replied: I’m not a dentist. I’m the local undertaker.

 

 

 

 

Trash Cans

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, `You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I`ll give you each a dollar if you`ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.`

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. `This recession`s really putting a big dent in my income,` he told them. `From now on, I`ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.`
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
`Look,` he said, `I haven`t received my Social Security check yet, so I`m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?`
`A freakin` quarter?` the drum leader exclaimed. `If you think we`re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you`re nuts! No way, dude. We quit!` And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

 

 

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