England Jokes — British Jokes

Short England Jokes

Why is England the wettest country?
Because the queen has reigned there for years!

Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
So the other one could drive!

Q: How does every English joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: Whats the difference between a smart English man and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they’re both fictional characters

Q: Why didn’t Raheem Sterling vote for Britain to stay or leave?
A: He can’t put a cross in the Box!

Q: What’s the difference between England and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: What do the Brits eat for breakfast?
A: Cheerios ‘ol chap.

England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

Q: What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A: A Referee.

Q: Why was Gareth Southgate speeding?
A: To get three points.

Q: What does the Loch Ness monster eat?
A: Fish and ships

Kate Middleton once asked the queen «What’s the secret of a long life?»
To which the queen replied «Wear a seat belt and don’t piss me off!

Q: Why were the two whores travelling in London pissed off?
A: Because they found out that Big Ben was a clock!

Q: What time was it when the monster ate the British prime minister?
A: Eight P.M.

Q: What’s the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John?
A: Princess Diana never became a queen of England

Q: Why can’t Meghan Markle go to Starbucks anymore?
A: Because they don’t serve Royal-tea.

Q: Why is no one late in London?
A: Because there is a big clock right in the middle of town.

Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a cock?
A: A bloke.

Q: Why aren’t the England football team allowed to own a dog?
A: Because they can’t hold on to a lead.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion!

Q: What does an Owl in England watch?
A: Dr. Whoot.

Q: What time does Andy Murray got to bed?
A: Tennish.

Q: What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhea?
A: Bravefart.

Q: Why do the English make better lovers than the Germans?
A: Because English are the only one’s who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

Q: Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
A: Cinderella wanted to get to the ball

Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in England?
A: He couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Q: What does D.I.A.N.A stand for?
A: Died In A Nasty Accident.

Q: What did Sir Mix-A-Lot say after meeting the queen?
A: Baby Got Hats.

What do you call a restaurant that only serves pancakes?
All Day Brexit.

See they’re making a film about the London
But the Cabbie wouldn’t drive further than Woodford.
It’s now being called ‘Abridge too far’

Kate Middleton went into labor on July 22nd in London.
When the rest of the Royal Family heard, they were like, «Oh my God….what’s «labor»?»

B.L.O.K.E.= Basically Lazy Obnoxious Knobs Everything

Keep Calm It’s Raining.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes who?
Sherlock Holmes (should lock homes) somebody could break in.

Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Doctor!
Doctor who?
That’s a great T.V. show, isn’t it?

Floods UK
Row Row Row Your Boat
Gently Down The Stream,
Merrily,Merrily,Merrily,Merrily,
A Carpet Fitters Wet Dream.

Mr. Cadbury
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name. «Polo, I’m the one with the hole» she said with a Wispa.
«I’m Marathon, the one with the nuts» he replied.
He touched her Creme Eggs and slipped his hand into her Snickers.
He fondled her Flap Jacks as she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre.
But 3 days later his sherbert dib-dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he’s got feckin Allsorts!

Walking Down The Street

One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles.

One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, «Say, I wish I could do that!»

His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, «I should say so! But don’t you think you ought to get to know him first?»

Sausage

Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them.

Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage.

Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan.

«We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it»

So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out.

Paddy says: «see it works, we didn’t pay did we?»

As Paddy’s plan seems to be working they carry on doing it…

In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn’t looking to good. They have just finished their pints…

Sean: «I can’t do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as fuck…!»

Paddy: «No worries…I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!»

Fabio

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping.

He stopped and asked, «Can you manage dear?» To which the old lady replied,

«No way. You got yourself into this fucking mess, don’t ask me to sort it out…»

Future

In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now
be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 arsholes being
regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.

5 quid
Chap walking through the park at night hears a lady’s voice in the bushes! «Fancy a good time, only 5 quid?»
«Why not»,he thinks
He is just about to grope the lady when a policeman shines his torch!
«What’s going on?»,asked the policeman
«Do you mind»,replied the chap, «I am about to have sex with my wife!»
«Sorry»,said the policeman «didn’t realise it was your wife!»
«Neither did I till you shone your bloody torch!» responded the husband.

Queen of England
Obama was talking to the queen of England and he asked her how she runs her country so well. The queen replies quite simply that she chooses the best people to run it. Obama considers this for a moment and then asks, «how do you ensure that they are the best people for the job?» The queen answers that she quizzes them, and as an example she calls in Tony Blair. She asks him, «your parents have a child; it’s not your brother it’s not your sister, who is it?» Tony replies «well of course, it’s me». Obama thinks this is smart so he repeats the question to Joe Biden. Biden runs around Washington all day trying to find an answer but no one can figure it out. Finally he comes to the Attorney General and asks him, «your parents have a child; it’s not your brother it’s not your sister, who is it?» The general replies «of course, it’s me». So Biden goes back to Obama and says «it’s general so and so», Obama replies, «no you idiot, it’s Tony Blair»!

A Girl In London
Two men in a bar. One says «A girl I met in London gave me a sexually transmitted disease».
His mate replies «you were lucky, in Yorkshire you would have had to pay for it!»

Deserted Island
Two Englishmen, two Scotsmen, two Welshmen and two Irishmen were marooned on a desert island.
The two Scotsmen got together and started a bank;
the two Welshmen got together and started a choir;
the two Irishmen got together and started a fight;
The two Englishmen never spoke to each other — they hadn’t been introduced!

Intercom
A Jumbojet was coming into London Heathrow after a long-haul trip from Singapore and the captain opened the intercom and said ‘Ladies and gentlemen we are now making our final approach into Heathrow, we hope you’ve enjoyed flying with RarelyCrash Airways and that we’ll see you again soon, please have a safe onward journey’ at which point he forgot to turn the intercom off. He turned to the co-pilot and said ‘well Roger what plans do you have for the rest of the day?’ the co-pilot replied ‘My wife will be at the hotel, Mike, and she’s got seats booked for a West-End show, I don’t know which one, what plans do you have?’ The cabin crew and passengers meanwhile are quite enjoying this change from the norm. The captain continued ‘as you know my divorce was finalised last week so I’ll be taking a long soak in the bath before ordering dinner in my room. I’m thinking that after that I’ll call the pretty new blonde stewardess working upstairs, Susanne I think her name is, and take her out for a drink then take her back to my room and give her a damn good seeing to’
At that moment the passengers cheered loudly
and in the upper deck Susanne realised the intercom was still on by accident and she had to get downstairs and let them know. She ran up the aisle and tripped headlong over an old ladys handbag which was poking out into the aisle.
The old lady looked down at the spread-eagled young woman and said ‘there’s no need to hurry love, he’s going to have a bath first’

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