70 Humorous Stories and How to Tell Them
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NOTE: There is some R-rated language in this area.
Before reading further, please be aware of this!
I am not a comedian, but I am a professional ex-salesman and teacher.
I make my living teaching and selling to people. One of the most successful
products I have had in my stock has been my sense of humor and ability to be
funny when telling a humorous story. Let me show you how.
I have always preferred the story over the one-liner; not only are they funnier
but they last longer. For a salesman that is important. I have won over many
customers with my story-telling skills, but in fact you probably don’t care.
But you’re here, so that means you care about winning over some «customers»
of your own, so on wit’ da show!
The story/joke-telling skill has so many uses:
- You can use them like I did, making a living as a salesman
- You can lighten up a business meeting
- You can toss them around with your friends in the office
- You can use them when you are called upon to speak in front of crowds
- You can entertain people — even those of the opposite sex
- By sharing stories, you encourage others to tell you their best stories
- You can break the ice in virtually any social environment
- A good, funny story is always welcome — you become more popular
- You can learn and hone communication skills through joke-telling
- You learn to critique other story-tellers to improve your own technique
Let me teach you how to tell a good story.
Let me list for you the important general highlights of telling a good story.
These are given in no particular order because each situation and story
deserves individual attention. But here are the important ideas:
- Get your audience involved in the story by using voice dynamics, hand
gestures, and facial cues — the idea is to make your audience visualize
that they are in the situation of the story — oh, and a physical story
requires clear physical description (be animated, it’s funnier)
- Use descriptive terms that appeal to the five senses to draw a better
picture for your audience — sight, sound, smell, taste, feel
- Attempt to pace the story in accordance with the «pace» of your
audience, that is, if your audience is relaxed, then the delivery can
afford to be slower. If your audience is hurried, or moving, or has a
shorter attention span, speed up the delivery.
- Some stories might be enhanced if told with an accent or in a dialect
of some type — use your judgement with regard to its appropriateness
AND with your ability to deliver a convincing voice
- Feel free to tailor your story to your style and your audience — you
never have to tell it the way it’s written or even the same way twice
- Do not mince words, enunciate clearly — stay with the story — keep
your audience focused
- Try to relate to your audience by making eye contact with a few
members — show them you care about them getting it and they’ll be
- Avoid all the common clichÈs in delivering your stories — they are
distracting and appear uninventive and unoriginal
- Use pregnant pauses for dramatic effect — used sparingly, a good
pause makes a funny story even funnier — it takes some people a
second or two longer to get themselves ready for a punchline anyway
- Normally a casual entrance into a joke or story is best. Begin with «…so
I was walking…» or «…I heard about this woman…» or «…there was this
guy…» I have found that beginning with «Did you hear about…» or «I have
a good joke…» or «Let me tell you a good one I heard…» makes most
people kind of uncomfortable because now they feel they have to listen.
The more casual approach lets the listeners draw themselves into the story.
- Sometimes a mid-joke reference to something familiar to the listener is
helpful. If you are describing, say, a large sandwich, describe it terms that
your audience will visualize (a hero, a Dagwood, a Subway, a hoagie, a
submarine sandwich) — that is, always tailor your story to the audience
for maximum effect
- Remember your story (the setup) is as much or more important as the
punchline — after all you ARE trying to entertain, aren’t you? Don’t rush
just to get to the punchline — milk the story for all it’s worth
- The longer stories are harder to learn but are often more impressive to
your audience. If it’s a complicated story that they couldn’t remember
well enough to tell themselves, they will be more impressed with your
skill — AND more apt to listen to you the next time you have a clever story
- Naturally gauge your audience’s tolerance to profanity and adult topics
and adjust your story accordingly. Timely use of profanity can be quite
effective for emphasis but be careful not to turn off your audience. The
same goes for stories of questionable taste. Always err on the side of
being too clean. A handy rule of thumb is: «Could I tell this story to the PTA?»
- Like anything worth doing, it is worth doing well. Thus practice is the key.
Practice with your wife, girlfriend, buddy, anyone who will put up with your
new attempts and humor. Even use a tape recorder. Gauge their feedback
(laughter or lack of it) and compensate for it the next time you tell the story.
- These days you may want to create a Youtube channel and tell your stories
to the world! But first it is best to learn how to get more views on Youtube before
wasting time making a video that no one will ever see.
Here is a selection of seventy stories, some short, some long, a couple I wrote,
some I embellished, and some I heard over the years. I chose them at random
from a Long List that I started many years ago. Hopefully you and/or your audience
haven’t heard them all yet.
Most of these stories are rated PG. A few are rated R because of limited profanity
or adult topics, and a few are of questionable taste. Feel free to change a word
here and there; as I mentioned above, always tailor them to your audience.
Here’s a list of the seventy stories (actually there are more than seventy stories,
in case you’ve heard a couple of them). If you are reading this on a web browser,
they are hotlinked.
Lady Gets on a Bus
A lady gets on a public bus. Without saying a word, she gestures to the bus driver by sticking
her thumb on her nose and waving her fingers at the driver.
The driver acknowledges the lady, turns to her and uses both hands in the same type of gesture
and waves all his fingers at her.
The woman holds her right arm out at the driver and chops at it a few times with her left hand.
Then the driver puts his left hand on his right bicep and jerks his right arm up in a fist at her.
The woman then cups both of her hands under her breasts and lifts gently.
So the driver places both of his hands at his crotch and gently lifts up.
Then the woman frowns, runs a finger up between her derriere, and gets off the bus.
There is another woman sitting in the front row of the bus who witnessed the whole exchange.
She speaks up, «That was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen on a public bus! What the
hell were you doing?»
«Listen lady,» states the gruff bus driver, «the lady that got on the bus before was a deaf-mute.
She asked me if the bus went to 5th Street. I said no, we go to 10th Street. She asked if we
make many stops. I told her that this was the express. She asked if we go by the dairy, and
I told her we go by the ballpark. She said «Shit, I’m on the wrong bus!» and got off.»
Three Birds on a Wire A teacher was helping her third-grade students with a math problem. After choosing a student in particular, she recited the following story: «Billy, there are three birds sitting on a telephone wire. A man with a gun shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?» The boy pauses. «None,» he replied thoughtfully. «No, no, no. Let’s try again, maybe you didn’t hear me correctly,» the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. «There are three birds sitting on a wire. A man with a gun shoots one,» she puts down one finger, «how many birds are left on the wire?» «None,» the boy says with authority. The teacher sighs. «Tell me how you came up with that.» «It’s simple,» says the boy, «after the man shot one bird, the noise from the gun scared the other two away.» «Well,» she says, «that’s not technically correct, but I like the way you think.» «Thanks,» chimes the boy, «now let me ask you a question.» «Okay,» she said guardedly. «There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?» he asked innocently. The teacher looked at the boy’s angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. «C’mon,» the boy said impatiently, «which one is it, the one licking the popsicle, the one biting it, or the one sucking it? Which one is married?» «Well, uh,» she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, «the one who’s sucking?» «Naw,» he says with surprise, «the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think.»Tour of Heaven A man dies and goes to heaven. Expecting a long line, he is surprised to see nobody there at all, except for an angel sitting in a chair with his feet up on a table. «Hello there,» said the angel, «I’m Saint Peter, welcome to heaven!» «Thank you, Saint Peter,» said the man, «where is everyone?» «Well, you’re in luck. Today is just a very slow day, and to make the time pass, I like to give tours to the new arrivals. Would you enjoy a complete guided tour of heaven?» «Gosh, I’d love a tour of heaven…lead on, Saint Peter, lead on.» Well, Saint Peter takes him everywhere. They go to hear the Heavenly Choir, three hundred angels singing on high. They go to the Great Hall of Saints and the Great Temple of Martyrs and the man is just overwhelmed. Finally, Saint Peter take him to the Throne Room of God himself. The man’s heart skips a beat, and the light at the far end of the room just blinds him to the point that he can’t stand it any longer. He is escorted out. Then, Saint Peter walks him into a hugh room filled with thousands and thousands of clocks, large and small, all shapes, all kinds. The man is puzzled. He asks, «What is this room full of clocks all about?» In a lecturing tone, Saint Peter describes, «This is the Room of Souls. Each clock in the room represents a single human soul. The time on each clock represents how long each is to live. Each and every time a person lies, however, the hands of the clock move a bit faster.» The man glances up and notices a huge clock, face downward, whizzing around at a great rate of speed. His curiosity gets the better of him and he asks, «What is that clock?» «Oh that one. That’s OJ’s clock. We use it as a fan.» The Old Lady Who Makes Bets
A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, «It’s a lot of money!» The receptionist objected, stating, «You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He’s a very busy man.» «But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,» added the old woman. The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, «You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,» and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America. When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked, «How can I help you?» She replied, «I would like to open a savings account,» and placed the bag of money on his desk. «How much would you like to deposit?» he asked curiously. «$180,000, if you please,» and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The President was suprised to see all this cash, so he asked her, «Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?» The old lady coyly replied, «I make bets.» Surprised, the president then asked, «Bets? What kind of bets?» The old woman said, «Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.» «What?!» cried the man, «you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?» He could hardly hold back from laughing. «Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o’clock tomorrow morning, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square.» The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. «You’ve got yourself a bet!» and shook her hand. The little old lady then said, «Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?» «Sure!» replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: «$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!» The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. «Well, Okay,» said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself, «$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it’s okay.» He then said, «Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.» As the old woman started to feel the banker’s testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, «What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?» The old lady replied, «Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I’d have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands.» Golf at Pebble Beach A man retires after 35 years at the same job and decides to take his first retirement vacation in Hawaii with his wife. He is really looking forward to two weeks of sightseeing and golf. The day they arrive, he signs up for pro golf lessons at the beautiful Pebble Beach Country Club. After a night out with his wife, they wake refreshed and go out to the links. The man and his wife and the golf pro begin the course and they do rather well. After the sixth hole, they catch up to the party ahead of them and need to wait for them to finish the seventh before they can play it. A tall man with a beard tees off and hits his ball right into the water. His companions all hit their tee shots into the fairway. The retired man watches as the bearded man actually walks on to the water to find his ball. He can’t believe his eyes. To the golf pro, he blurts out, «Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?» The pro answers, «He is Jesus Christ. He thinks he’s Tiger Woods.» Gorilla My Dreams A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of that species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators were told about Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn’t very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred dollars? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. «First,» he said, «I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.» The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. «Well,» said Mike, «you’ve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.» Students at the Races A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two lady teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet one of the boys came out and told her he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice she went inside and began hoisting up the little boys by their armpits. As she lifted one she couldn’t help but notice that he was rather well endowed, especially for a little kid. «I guess you must be in the fifth,» she said. «No ma’am,» he replied, «I’m in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. But thanks for the lift anyhow.» Love on Mars The year is 2258 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and start talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Maureen discusses hobbies, cuisine on Mars etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. «Just how do you guys do it?» asks Maureen. «Pretty much the same way you do,» responds the Martian woman. Discussion ensues and finally curiosity gets the better of them and the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member — about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. «I don’t think this is going to work,» says Maureen understandably. «Why?» he asks, «What’s the matter?» «Well,» she replies, «It’s just not long enough to reach me!» «No problem,» he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite remarkably long. «Well,» she says, «That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow….» «No problem,» he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. «Wow!» she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love for many hours. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, «Well, was it any good?» «I hate to say it honey,» says Maureen, «but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?» «It was horrible,» he replies, «All I got was a terrible headache. All she kept doing was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.» The Pickle Slicer Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had this urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. «What’s wrong, Bill?» she asked. «Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?» «Oh, Bill, you didn’t.» «Yes, I did.» «My God, Bill, what happened?» «I got fired.» «No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?» «Oh…she got fired too.» Bored in Church One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her local church. «Reverend,» she said, «I have a problem — my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?» «I have an idea,» said the minister. «Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will nod to you at specific times. When I nod, you give him a good poke in the leg.» In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. «And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?» he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. «Jesus!» Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. «Yes, you are right, my son,» said the minister. Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. «Who is your redeemer?» he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. «God!» Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. «Right again,» said the minister, smiling. Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, «And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?» Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, «You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it off and shove it up your ass!!!!!» Cathouse Parrot A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was just $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn’t more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, «Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.» The woman thought about this, but decided she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, «New house, new madam.» The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought «that’s not so bad.» A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, «New house, new madam, new whores.» The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, «New house, new madam, new whores, same old faces. Hi George!» I Need a Wrench A husband and wife surveyor team are working on a new plot of land for a building development. They are standing some ninety or a hundred yards apart when the husband discovers he is missing a tool he needs for something he is working on. So he whistles to his wife. When she looks at him, he gestures. He points to his eye, then to his knee, and then pantomimes the motion of turning a wrench. «I need a wrench,» he says as he gestures, knowing she is too far away to hear him. She watches his gestures and nods. Then she gestures back. She points to her eye, then touches her heart, and then touches her crotch. He doesn’t get her reply so he repeats his gesture sequence. «I need a wrench,» he repeats. She nods even more vigorously and repeats her sequence but he still doesn’t get it. Later that evening at dinner, the husband says, «You know this afternoon, when I gestured to you?» She says, «Yes, I remember.» He says, «I was trying to tell you that (gesturing) ‘I need a wrench.'» «Oh yeah, I got that. I tried to tell you that (gesturing) ‘I left it in the box.'» Prison Jokester A young man is sentenced to fifteen years in prison. The warden takes a liking to him and puts him in a cell with a kindly oldtimer so that he can be shown the ropes and not get himself in trouble. So the oldtimer teachs the youngster the rules of the prison, what to do, what not to do, stuff like that. One of the rules he learns is that there is no talking allowed during meals. A curious thing happens during meals though and the young prisoner is a bit confused. In the large mess hall, once everyone is seated, one of the prisoners stands up and loudly says, «47.» Everyone in the hall laughs hysterically. A few minutes later, another prisoner stands up and loudly says, «19.» Again, a torrent of laughter from everyone. This goes on throughout the meal. Later, when the youngster and the oldtimer get back to their cell, the young man asks, «What was going in the mess hall tonight? I thought you said there was no talking allowed.» «Ah, yes, the mess hall. Well years ago, the warden eased up on that rule a bit, the one that disallows talking at meals. You see, all of us inmates have memorized a long list of jokes and stories by the number, so that all one of us has to do is call out its number, and, because we have all of the stories memorized, it’s like someone told the whole funny story.» The young inmate nods understandingly and falls off to sleep. After a few weeks of this mealtime behavior, the young man gets up a bit of nerve and decides to tell a story. So, one evening at the dinner meal, he stands up and loudly says, «26.» No one laughs. Not even a twitter. So he tries again, «26.» Still nothing. He sits down sheepishly and embarrassed. Later, he pleads with the oldtimer to explain what happened. «That is such a good story, number 26, how come no one laughed.» The old man turned to him and explained, «It’s the way you told it.» Profane Polly A man goes to a pet store in order to buy himself an exotic bird. He tells the clerk, «You know I’ve had a number of pet birds in my life and now I’m looking for something really special. Have anything I might like?» «Yessir, I do. I have a South American parrot rumored to have a vocabulary of over 400 words. He can talk about the weather, about sports, and about politics. But I might add, he is very expensive.» «Well, he sounds just perfect. Why don’t you bring him out here?» The clerk goes into the back room and brings out an exquisite green bird with bright feathers and a dark, golden beak. He sets the bird on a perch and excuses himself to take care of another customer in another part of the shop. The man looks at the bird and starts talking to it in the usual way, «Pretty bird, pretty bird, Polly want a cracker?» The bird replies in such beautiful English the man can hardly believe his ears. They have a conversation about the recent rains, they talk about the latest bills in Congress, and even talk about the latest Super Bowl. The man is dumbfounded. «I’ll take him,» he calls out to the clerk, «take him home with me today.» «Very good, sir,» says the clerk. They conclude the transaction and the man walks out with the parrot on his shoulder. As soon as they get to the man’s home, the bird goes into a loud tirade of profanity. One four-letter word after another. On and on without end. The man can’t believe it. «Look, bird, you didn’t do any of this in the shop. I have guests coming over tonight. Don’t you dare embarrass me with this kind of language.» The bird continues on and on with the profane cursing. The man gets fed up and throws the parrot into his freezer. That will quiet him down, thinks the man. Sure enough, within a minute or two, the bird has gone completely silent. The man opens the freezer and the bird takes a deep bow. «Forgive me sir, I will never talk like that again. I just do not know what got it to me.» The man is satisfied and motions for the bird to perch on his shoulder and the man goes about his business. A few minutes later the bird leans over to his ear and asks quietly, «Can I ask you a question?» «Sure, what is it?» «Uh, what exactly did the chicken do?» Sesame Street Bus
There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for elementary
school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters
from Sesame Street. So he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and
the rest on the bus.
At his first stop, there was this very overweight little girl. He opened the door and said,
» Hi, I’m the new bus driver. What is your name?» The girl said that her name was Pattie.
Waiting at the next stop was another overweight little girl. He said, «Hi, I’m the new
bus driver. What is your name?» She said that her name was Pattie also.
At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said,
«Hi, I’m the new bus driver. What is your name?»
The woman piped up and said, «His name is Ross and he is my son.» She continued,
«He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him.»
The bus driver replied, «No problem. He can have this seat right behind me and I can
watch him carefully in the mirror.»
At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was
wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy
had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, «Hi,
I’m the new bus driver. What is your name?»
The little boy replied, «My name is Lester Cleese.» Well, little Lester picked at his
bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy.
Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.
The man replied:
«Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A
Sesame Street Bus.»
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks «I can outrun this guy,» so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway — 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures he can’t outrun the cop and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says «Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.» The man thought for a moment and said, «Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!
Modern Aesop’s Fable
A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road and they saw that there was some corn just across the ditch by the road. The horse walked over to eat the corn. Before he got to the corn he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud. So he tells the chicken, «Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud.» When the chicken gets to the farm house, he can’t find anybody to help him get the horse out of the mud. However, he notices that there is a Mercedes parked in the driveway and the keys are in the ignition. The chicken drives the Mercedes back down the road, ties a rope he found to the Mercedes and throws the other end to the horse. In a jiffy the horse is out of the mud. The two proceed down the road again. And again they see some more corn on the side of the road. This time the chicken crosses over the ditch to get the corn. And as luck would have it, the chicken gets stuck in the mud. The chicken tells the horse, «Hey, go get that Mercedes and pull me out of this mud.» The horse surveys the problem and says, «I think I can straddle this ditch because it is not too big and when I do just grab my dick and I’ll pull you out of the mud.» The horse does as he says and the chicken is pulled out of the mud. So what is the moral of this story? When your hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks! A Boy and a Frog One day, a boy was walking down a road when a frog called to him, «Boy, if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess.» The boy picked up the frog, smiled at it, then placed the frog into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog said, «Boy, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I will stay with you for a week.» The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled at it, then put it back into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog said, «Boy, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will do ANYTHING you want!» The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled, and put it back. Finally, the frog cried, «Boy, what is the matter, I have told you that I am a beautiful princess, and if you kiss me, I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!» The boy took the frog from his pocket and said, «Look, I am an engineering student, I have no time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool!» Four Letter Words A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back home the bride immediately called her mom, who lived three hours away. «Well, darling,» said her Mom, «How was your honeymoon?» «It was wonderful, and so romantic. We had a great time,» said the bride, but as soon as we got home he started using really horrible language. Words I have never heard before. Really horrible four-letter words! You’ve got to come get me…PLEASE.» Then the bride began to sob over the phone. «PLEASE, mom come get me!» begged the bride. «But honey what did he say, what 4-letter words, you have to tell me what’s troubling you,» said her mom. Still sobbing the bride said to her mother…»Words like….DUST, IRON, COOK, WASH!» Afraid of the Dark A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, «Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?» The doctor asked Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, «Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb.» The doctor looked up and noticed Patient #2’s face is all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, «If he’s your friend, don’t you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself» Patient #1 replies, «What? And work in the dark?» The Painting Nuns Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. «Who is it?», calls out one of the nuns. «Blind man,» replies a male voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. «Nice tits, sister,» says the man, «Where do you want these blinds?» My Name’s Joe
There once was a farmer whose wife had died and left him with three beautiful teenage daughters. Every weekend, when they went out on dates, the farmer would stand at the door with his shotgun, making it clear to their dates he wanted no trouble from them. Another Saturday night came around. About 7 p.m., there was a knock on the door. He answered and the young man said, «Hi, my name’s Joe. I’m here for Flo. I’m taking her to the show. Is she ready to go?» The farmer thought he was a clever boy and wished them a good time. A few minutes later, another knock was heard. A second boy appeared and said, «Hi, I’m Eddie. I’m here for Betty. I’m taking her for spaghetti. I hope she’s ready.» He thought that he must know Joe, but bade them off as well with his best wishes. A few minutes after that, a third knock was heard. «Hi, I’m Chuck…» The farmer shot him. Super Technical Watch Lester is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks «Have you got the time?» Lester sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. «It’s a quarter to six,» he says. «Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!» exclaims the stranger. Lester brightens a little. «Yeah, it’s not bad. Check this out,» and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest cities in the world. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says «The time is eleven ’til six» in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Lester continues «I’ve put in regional accents for each city.» The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. «That’s not all,» says Lester. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. «The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,» explains Lester. «View recede ten,» he says, and the display changes to show eastern New York State. «I want to buy this watch!» says the stranger. «Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs,» says the inventor. «But look at this,» and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very credible little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, «though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far,» says the proud inventor. «I’ve got to have this watch!» says the stranger. «No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready.» «I’ll give you $1000 for it!» «Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than -» «I’ll give you $5000 for it!» «But it’s just not -» «I’ll give you $15,000 for it!» And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Lester stops to think. He’s only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. «Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.» Lester abruptly makes his decision. «OK,» he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. «Hey, wait a minute,» Lester points to the two huge suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station, «Don’t forget your batteries.» The Perfect Diet A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. «I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds.» When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. «Why, that’s amazing!» the doctor said, «Did you follow my instructions?» The blonde nodded. «I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.» «From hunger, you mean?» «No, from skipping.» New Entrance Policy in Heaven
One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had to be done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate and ask everyone how they died. If it was a grisly story they told, they could go ahead into Heaven. But if not, they had to go to Hell. The first man walks up and St. Peter tells him what’s happening. «You see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone how they died. If it sounds good, you can go ahead. But if not, you go to Hell.» «Ok,» the man says. «Well, for awhile I’d been suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So today I thought I’d leave work early and catch her. Sure enough, I got to my apartment and she was lying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the man but couldn’t find him. Then I remembered that we lived on the 25th floor of an apartment building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just wouldn’t let go, so I ran and got a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into the bushes below. I saw he was still alive so I got the refrigerator and pushed over the edge on top of him. But the strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died. «Wow!» St. Peter said. «That really is bad! You can go ahead…» The next man walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story. «Ok,» the second man said. «So I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and everyday I do exercises on my balcony. Well, today I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing of the balcony below me.» «Suddenly, this man came running out and started beating at my hands. He ran back inside and I thought I was safe, but then he came back out with a hammer and beat my hands again. I finally fell off, but luckily I landed in the bushes below and they saved my life. But that wasn’t enough for the man because he pushed his refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me. And now I’m here.» «Wow, that’s a good one too! You can go ahead…» The third man walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story of how he died. «Ok,» the third man said. «I don’t know what happened. I was hiding naked inside this refrigerator…» Hell is Cool An explosion last week killed a wild-living navy boilerman and he found himself in hell. Being used to stoking fires and extremely hot temperatures, he found hell actually quite comfortable. When Satan went to check out the new arrival, he found him sitting in his room smiling. «You like this?» Satan asked. «Yes, sir,» said the sailor, «this feels like a spring day to me.» Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable, Satan turned up the heat a bit. When he went back the next day to see how his new arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy; he hadn’t even broken a sweat. «I like this kind of weather,» he told Satan. For the next few days, Satan turned up the heat more and more, but each day the Sailor looked as comfortable as ever. By Sunday, Satan decided to try something different. Rather than turn up the heat even more, he turned it off and turned on the air conditioning. Icicles formed in the sailor’s room! When he checked on the guy, the room was icy and he was shivering, but he had a grin from ear to ear, bigger than ever. Satan was exasperated! «Why are YOU so happy?» he demanded from the sailor. «It’s FREEZING in here!» «Well, I’m from Boston,» said the sailor, «and evidently the Red Sox just won the World Series!» The Birth of Woman One day, after what seemed an eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam called out to God, «Lord, I have a problem.» «What’s the problem, Adam?» God replied. «Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.» «Oh, and why is that, Adam?» came the reply from the heavens. «Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all the beautiful animals, but I’m lonely.» «Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘Woman’ for you.» «What’s a ‘Woman’, Lord?» «This ‘Woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you,» replied the heavenly voice. «Wow, she sounds great, Lord.» «She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.» «How much will this ‘Woman’ cost me Lord?» Adam inquired. «She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.» Adam pondered this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam said to God, «Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?» And that’s how modern woman was created. Clinton in Oz Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich are out in the Rose Garden discussing policy when all of a sudden a gigantic tornado comes and sweeps them up into the air, only to bring them crashing down a little while later. They get up, dust themselves off, and look out in the distance, where they see the Emerald City. They suddenly realize they’re in the land of Oz. «Oh, boy!» says Qualye. «I’m going to go see the Wizard and ask him for a brain!» «Yeah!» says Gingrich. «And I’m going to ask him for a heart!» «Hey!» says Clinton, looking around. «Where’s Dorothy?» Musical Octopus A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. So talented that he can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin’ it up. So the man pays up his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays up his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. «Ha!» the Scot says. «Can’t you play it?» The octopus looks up at him and says, «Play it? I’m going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.» Accidental Celebration A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, «So you’re a man, that’s interesting. And I’m a woman… Wow! Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and become friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.» The man replied, «I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!» The woman continued, «And look at this — here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.» So she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man takes the bottle and asks, «Aren’t you having any?» The woman replies, «No. I think I will just wait for the police…» Elderly Sex Life An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor, «We’re having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?» The doctor replied, «I’m not a sex therapist. You should find someone else.» The couple said, «No, no, we trust you.» After watching them have sex, the doctor said, «You don’t seem to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can’t give you any suggestions.» This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, «You aren’t having any trouble at all. Is this your idea of kinky sex?» The man replied, «No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $50, and we can’t afford that. But you only charge $35, and medicare pays half of that.» Three Tough Mice Three mice were sitting in a bar drinking shots of whiskey and talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, «I play with mouse traps for fun. I’ll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.» And with that he slams down another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, «That’s nothing. I take those Decon poison tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it.» And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, «Where the hell are you going?» The third mouse stops and replies, «Can’t hang around with you wimps. I’m going home to screw the cat.» Wonderful Hair Spray
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, «Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.» The grandfather replies, «I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.» The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out with a big smile and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, «Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.» The grandfather replies, «I know. That’s from your grandma.» The Mailman’s Last Day It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. This went on all day long as he was well-known and well-liked throughout his beat. He was nearly at the last house when he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate lovemaking he had ever experienced. The next morning, he went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. «All this was just too wonderful for words,» he said, «but what’s the dollar bill for?» «Well,» she said, «a couple of days ago, I told my husband that yesterday would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.» «He said, «Screw him, give him a dollar.»
The lady then said, «The breakfast was my idea.» The New Maid A guy dials home from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, «Who is this?» «This is the maid.» answered the woman. «We don’t have a maid!» «I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.» «Well, this is her husband. Is she there?» «Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.» The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, «Listen, would you like to make $50,000?» «Sure, what do I have to do?» «Get the shotgun out of the hall closet, go upstairs and shoot that unfaithful witch and the jerk she’s with.» The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. «What should I do with the bodies?» «Throw them in the swimming pool!» «What pool?» «Uh…is this 555-4821?» Wheelchair Lover A woman decides that she’s had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover. After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He says, «I’m here about your ad.» Momentarily taken aback, she says, «Well, how do I know you’re loyal?» «Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in ‘Nam. That’s where I lost my arms and legs,» he replies. «Well, how do I know you’re rich?» she inquires. «I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement,» he continues. Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, «Well, how do I know you’re a good lover?» He shrugs, «I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?» Third World Discovery
A boy and his father visiting from a small country village in Latvia were at a large multi-story shopping mall in America. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, «What is this, father?» The father responded, «Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is!» While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles lit up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, «Quick! Go get your mother.» How to Make a Woman Feel Like a Woman A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, «I can’t take this anymore! I can’t just sit here and die like an animal, strapped to a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?» She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approachs her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man’s muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, «I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?» She shakes her head yes. As the man hands her his shirt, he says, «Here, iron this.» Inquisitive Son An inquisitive young boy is talking to his mother. «Mommy, how old are you?» «Oh, that’s quite personal, son, and besides it’s not polite to ask a woman her age.» «Ok, mommy, then tell me, um, how much do you weigh?» «Well, I can’t tell you that either, a woman’s weight is a secret.» The boy was getting a bit frustrated by now. «If you can’t tell me that, can you tell me why you and Daddy split up?» «Someday I’ll explain it to you but it’s all quite complicated and I don’t think you’d understand.» The boy wandered off unfulfilled but kept all of this in the back of his mind. The next day in school, he was talking to one of his school chums and was told to look at his mom’s driver’s license. That would have all of his answers. So very early the next morning he snuck into her wallet and looked at her driver’s license. When she awoke, he said, «I know how old you are!» She said, «You do? How old am I?» «You’re 31. And I know how much you weigh, too!» «Oh,» she said, getting curious, «how much is that?» «You weigh 126. And I even know why Daddy left!» She was really curious now. «Why was that, son?» «It’s because you got an F in sex!» Kids! The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper, «Hello?» Feeling a bit put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, «Is your daddy home?» «Yes,» whispered the small voice. «May I talk with him?» the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, «No.» Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, «Is your mommy there?» «Yes,» came the answer. «May I talk with her?» Again the small voice whispered, «No.» Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. «Is there any one there besides you?» the boss asked the child. «Yes,» whispered the child, «a policeman.» Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, «May I speak with the policeman?» «No, he is busy,» whispered the child. «Busy doing what?» asked the boss. «Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman,» came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, «What is that noise?» «A hello-copper,» answered the whispering voice. «What is going on there?» asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, «The search team just landed the hello-copper!» Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, «The search team?! Why are they there?» Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, «They are looking for me!» A Horth Story A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate. He goes up to the farmer and says, «Excthuth me, may I look at your horth?» «Sure,» says the farmer, «come on in.» The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to the farmer, «Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to thee her eyeth.» The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show him the mare’s eyes. «Nith eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth.» Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, this time asking the farmer to pick him up and show him the mare’s ears. He exclaims, «Nith earth, nith earth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth.» The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this time because the dwarf is quite heavy. Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks and says, «Her twat. Her twat, I want to thee her twat!» The farmer, infuriated, picks up the dwarf and drives him head first into the mare’s backside. He leaves with the dwarf’s little legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his mates for a couple of minutes. He then comes back and extracts the dwarf from his predicament: SCHLOOOOP! The dwarf wipes himself down and says. «I think I better wephrase that….I’d like to thee her gallop!» A Diner Quickie A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, «What would you like, sir?» He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, «A quickie.» The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, «What would you like, sir?» Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, «A quickie, please.» This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding «SMACK!» and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, «Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE.'» Laughing Customer A man walks into a pharmacy, buys one condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there’s no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it’s a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What’s so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk «If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.» Sure enough, the next day the laughing customer is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. «Did you follow him? Where did he go?» asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies, «Your house.» Semantics A boy asks his father to explain the differences between irritation, aggravation, and frustration. Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, «Can I speak to Alf, please?» «There’s no one named Alf here.» The person hangs up. «That’s irritation,» says Dad. He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time. «No — there’s no one here named Alf. You have the wrong number. If you call again I shall telephone the police.» End of conversation. «That’s aggravation.» «Then what’s frustration?» asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials a third time: «Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?» The Medical Jar A 75-year old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, «Take this jar home and bring me back a sample of your sperm tomorrow.» The next day, the 75-year old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, «Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. «Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. «Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.» The doctor was shocked. «You asked your NEIGHBOR?» The old man replied, «Yep, but no matter what we tried, we just couldn’t get the damn jar open!» A Helluva Headache Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older, he was increasingly hampered by excruciatingly painful headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. The doctor said, «I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.» Joe was, of course, both shocked and depressed. He indeed wondered if he even had anything to live for after castration. Yet, he immediately decided he had no choice but to go under the knife; his headaches just had to cease. When he left the hospital his mind was at long last clear, but naturally he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he felt like an entirely different person. He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, «I’ll buy a new suit. Maybe that will cheer me up!» He entered the shop and told the salesman, «I’d like a new suit.» The salesman eyed him briefly and said, «Let’s see…size 44 long.» Joe laughed, «Yeah, that’s right, how did you know?» «It’s my job to know,» said the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, «How about a new shirt?» Joe thought for a moment and then said, «Okay, sure.» The salesman eyed Joe and said, «Let’s see…34 sleeve, and… 16 neck.» Joe was once again surprised, «That’s exactly right. How did you know?» «It’s my job to know,» said the salesman, very matter of factly. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, «How about new shoes?» Joe was on a roll by this point and said, «Well, sure…» The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, «Let’s see…9…wide.» Joe was astonished, «That’s right again…how did you know?» «It’s my job to know,» said the salesman. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, «So, how about a new hat?» Without hesitation, Joe said, «Yeah, go for it.» The salesman eyed Joe’s head and said, «Let’s see, I’d say 7 5/8.» Joe was incredulous. «That’s right. Man, how can you tell all of this?» «It’s my job to know,» reiterated the salesman. The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, «How about some new underwear?» Joe hesitated for a second and said, «Sure…» The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, «Let’s see…size 36.» Joe laughed, «No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.» The salesman shook his head, «No, no, you can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!» The Vegetable Garden Once there was a woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn’t get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor’s garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired about his secret. «It’s really quite simple,» the old man explained, «Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment.» Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her tomato plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check on her progress.»So,» he asked, «Any luck with your tomatoes?» «No,» she replied excitedly, «but you should see the size of my cucumbers!!» Mexican Bungie Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. «You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.» The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need — a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and began to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. Once they complete the tower, and announcement is made in Spanish and the first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able to catch him, he falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up — he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, «What happened? Was the cord too long?» The first guy says, «No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pinata?»
Talking Frog Story
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole, a par three, when he notices a frog sitting near the second tee. He thinks nothing of it and is about to strike the ball when he hears, «Ribbit. 9 Iron.» The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. «Ribbit. 9 Iron.» He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his 6 iron away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, «Wow, that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?» The frog replies, «Ribbit. Lucky frog.» The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. «What do you think, frog?» the man asks. «Ribbit. 3 wood.» The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best round of golf of his life and asks the frog, «Okay, where to next?» The frog replied, «Ribbit. Las Vegas.» They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, «Okay, frog, now what?» The frog says, «Ribbit. Roulette.» Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, «What do you think I should bet?» The frog replied, «Ribbit. $3000. Black 6.» Now, this is a 35-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Black 6 hits, and he makes $105,000. Tons of chips comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, «Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.» The frog replied, «Ribbit. Kiss me.» He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. «And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.» Ladies at the Busstop Two elderly ladies were smoking cigarettes while waiting for a bus. It started to rain, so one lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, «Hey that’s a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?» The first old lady said, «It’s a condom.» «A condom? Where do you get those?» The lady with the dry cigarette told her friend that she could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two ladies arrived downtown, the lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacists said he did, but was a little surprised that this elderly woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, «What size do you want?» The lady thought for a minute and said, «One that will fit a Camel.» The Moral of the Story One day, at the end of class, little Billy’s teacher asked the class to go home, think of a story, then reach a conclusion as to the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raised her hand. «My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we loaded the chicken eggs on the truck and drove into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.» The teacher asks Suzy what the moral of her story was. Suzy replied, «Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.» Next was little Lucy. «Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.» The teacher once again asks what the moral of her story was. Lucy replied, «Don’t count your eggs before they’re hatched.» Next was little Billy. «My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.» «He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.» The teacher looked in shock at Billy and asked if there is any possibility of a moral to his story. Billy replied, «Don’t fuck with uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.» Animal Attraction It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes bonkers. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy, pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that could wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs…this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, «Now, tell HIM you have a headache.» Nativity Scene A man was passing through a small southern town where there was a nativity scene on exhibit that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered the man though. The three wise men were all wearing fireman’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, the man left. At the «Quik Stop» at the edge of town, the man asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at the man, «You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!» The man assured the lady that he read the Bible regularly but simply could not recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages and finally jabbed her finger on the passage. Sticking it into the man’s face she said, «See, it says right here, «The three wise men came from afar.»» Fear No Evil One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, amidst an explosion of fire, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, «Hey, don’t you know who I am?» The man says, «Yep, sure do.» Satan says, «Well, aren’t you afraid of me?» The man says, «Nope, sure ain’t.» Satan, perturbed, says, «And why aren’t you afraid of me?» «Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years, how bad could you be?» Mr. Hi-Tech A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers… like a telephone… on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here. The guy says, «You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.» The bartender says, «Yeah? Prove it.» The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. «That’s incredible», says the bartender, «I would never have believed it!» «Yeah,» said the guy, «I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men’s room?» The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room. There is the guy spread-eagled against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. «Oh my god!» said the bartender. «Did they rob you? Are you hurt?» The guy turns to him and says: «No, I’m fine…I’m just waiting for a fax.» A Priest and Nun in Winter
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets in the corner and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, «Sister, you sleep on the bed. I’ll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag.» Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said, «Father, I’m cold.» He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got a blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, «Father, I’m still very cold.» He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into his sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, «Father, I’m sooooo cold.» This time, he remained there and said, «Sister, I have an idea. We’re out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let’s pretend we’re married.» The nun purred, «That’s fine by me.» To which the priest yelled back, «Get up and get your own stupid blanket!» Nice Medical Plan A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in. The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating nonstop. The intern asks the doctor giving the tour why that man was doing such a thing out in the open. The doctor says:»Oh, he has a medical condition where sperm builds up so quickly in his body, he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode.» «Oh, I see,» says the intern, wincing. They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse. Again, he asks the doctor, «What is up with THAT??» The doctor says: «Same condition, better medical plan.» Grandma Ain’t So Young There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, «Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.» «Yeah,» she replied, «Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.» «I know,» the old man said, «We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago, too.» «Well,» Granny snickered, «What do you say…should we get naked?» Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. «You know, honey,» the little old lady breathlessly replied, «My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.» «I wouldn’t be surprised,» replied Gramps. «One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!» Trains A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop, and her son said, «All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And, all you sons of bitches who are retuning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now cause we’re going down the tracks!» The mother went into the living room and told her son, «We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language.» Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon, the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, «All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.» She hears the little boy continue, «For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.» Then, the child added, «And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen.» Who’s In Charge? When God made the human, all of the different parts wanted to be the boss. The brain said «Since I do all the thinking, I must the be most important and I should be the boss.» The eyes said «I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I’m the most important and I should be the boss.» The hands said «Without me we wouldn’t be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I’m the most important and I should be the boss.» The stomach said «I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we’d starve. So I’m the most important and I should be the boss.» The legs said «Without me we wouldn’t be able to move anywhere. So I’m the most important and I should be the boss.» Then the rectum spoke up. «I think I should be the boss.» All the rest of the parts of the body laughed and laughed and said «YOU?! You don’t do anything! You’re not important! You can’t be in charge. You’ll never be the boss.» So the rectum got angry and closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach tightened up, the hands were all shaky, the eyes got all foggy and watery, and the brain couldn’t think. They all gave in because they couldn’t take any more of this and agreed to make the rectum boss. The moral of the story? You don’t have to be the brain to be boss, just an asshole. Late Night Drinking
Three men had a very late night out drinking scotch whiskey. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met for lunch next day, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first guy claimed that he was the drunkest, saying, «I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks.» To which the second guy replied, «You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!» And the third proclaimed, «I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!» They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first guy said: «Guys, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.» Turner Brown A small white guy goes into an elevator. When he gets in, he notices a huge black dude standing next him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says «7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown.» The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small white guy «What’s wrong? You alright?» The small white guy comes to and says, «Excuse me, but what did you say?» The big black dude looks down and says «7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown.» The small white guy says, «Thank God, I thought you said, «Turn around.»» Sinners in Hell Three guys found themselves in Hell. Let’s call them Jerry, Kenny, and Larry. They were a little confused at their present situation, and were startled to see a door in the wall open. Behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3’4″, dirty, and they could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil boomed out, «Jerry, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!» And Jerry was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his eternal torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7′ tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard again, louder than before, «Kenny, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!» And Greg, like Jerry, was whisked off, screaming and scratching, to his doom. Larry, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of…Cindy Crawford! Delighted, Larry jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil booming: «Cindy, you have sinned…» Newlywed Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. «Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs, and he’ll take care of you.» So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, «Mama, mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.» «Don’t worry, Maria», says the mother, «All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.» So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. «Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he’s got hairy legs, too!» «Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs, and he’ll take good care of you.» So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. «Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!» «Stay here and stir the pasta», says the mother, «this is a job for Mama!» Better Write It Down An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidently forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice. When they got home, the wife said, «Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?» «Nonsense,» said the husband, «I can remember a dish of ice cream!» «Well,» said the wife, «I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.» «Don’t be silly,» replied the husband. «A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!» «OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,» said the wife. «Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,» said the husband. «No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.» And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, «Hey, where’s the toast?» Easter Holiday Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, «What is Easter?» The blonde replies, «Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful…» «Wrong!» replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, «What is Easter?» The second blonde replies, «Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.» St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, «What is Easter?» The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, «I know what Easter is.» «Oh?» says St. Peter, incredulously. «Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.» St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, «Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out… and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.» Bob Rents an Apartment
Bob rents an apartment in New York and goes to the lobby to put his name on the mailbox. While he’s there, an attractive young lady wearing a robe comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes. Bob smiles at her and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it’s quite obvious that she has nothing on underneath. Poor Bob breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, «Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…» He follows her into the apartment and after she closes the door she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, «What would you say is my best feature?» The flustered, embarrassed Bob stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, «Oh, it’s got to be your ears!» She’s astounded! «Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don’t sag, and they’re all mine! My butt — it’s firm and has no cellulite. Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars. Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!» Clearing his throat once again, Bob stammers: «Outside when you said you heard someone coming . . . . that was me!!» Marriage Counseling After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try professional counseling. They had been at each other’s throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. «What seems to be the problem?» Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After five, ten, fifteen minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. After that, the wife sat there — speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, «Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!» The husband scratched his head and replied, «Okay, I can have her here by three o’clock on Tuesdays and Thursdays.» A Special Dinner A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, «Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.» The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, «No, he didn’t. He just walked in the door.» The Genie A man and his wife were playing golf. The man tees off and his ball veers way off to the right, breaking the window of a house. The wife says you must go and apologize and pay for the window. Both the man and his wife walk up to the house, ring the door but no one answers. He opens the door and inside, next to the window he sees a broken vase with his golf ball laying on the floor. Suddenly a man comes out of a nearby room, the golfer starts to apologize for breaking his window and the vase. The man inside the house says, «No, don’t apologize, I am a genie and have been stuck in that vase for 10,000 years, you have rescued me and I owe you deeply. For helping me I will grant three wishes. I will give you one, your lovely wife one and I would like to keep one for myself.» He asks the man what he wishes for. The man thought awhile and said, «I wish for a million dollars.» The genie waves his hand and said, «A million dollars, it’s yours, it has been deposited into your bank account.» He asks the wife what is her wish. She says, «I wish for a condominium in Hawaii.» The genie waves his hand and says, «A condominium in Hawaii, it’s yours.» The genie continues, «Now it is my turn.» He thinks for awhile and says, «You know its been 10,000 years since I have had a woman, could I make love to your wife?» The man thinks for a while and says, «Honey, he gave us a million dollars and a condominium in Hawaii, the least you could do is make love to him.» She agrees and they both go to the back bedroom. After making passionate love, the woman says, «I can’t believe that my husband let you do this to me.» The genie says, «And I can’t believe that your husband still believes in genies.» Little Boy Politics A little boy goes to his dad and asks, «What is politics?» Dad says, «Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.» So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, «Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.» The father says, «Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about». The little boy replies, «Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.» God Will Provide A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancÈ to his study for a drink. «So what are your plans?» the father asks the young man. «I am a Torah scholar,» he replies. «A Torah scholar. Hmmm,» the father says. «Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?» «I will study,» the young man replies, «and God will provide for us.» «And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?» asks the father. «I will concentrate on my studies,» the young man replies, «and God will provide for us.» «And children?» asks the father. «How will you support children?» «Don’t worry, sir. God will provide,» replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this and each time the father questions the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, «How did it go, Honey?» The father answers, «He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.